June 08, 2009

grateful monday

Buds


At long last, I am back.

I want to share some about what has been happening for me over the past few months, but right now, I am slowly and gently coming out of my quietness. Today, I thought a good place to begin would be by offering gratitude.

I am grateful for vegetables growing in the garden, for new flowers sprouting, and for the smell of lavender.

I am grateful for stillness.

I am grateful for increasing hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I am grateful for my morning cup of tea.

I am grateful for baby kisses.

I am so very grateful for all of the calls, emails, facebook messages, and comments from people who wanted to check in with me during my absence.

I am grateful for really amazing friends who have walked beside me during the past few difficult months (including many who don't have blogs that I can link to!).

I am grateful for my mom, who continues to amaze and inspire me with the depth of her love and her generosity.

I am grateful for my husband - for his unwavering love, for his steadiness, for his confidence, for his unique way of embracing life, and for the big and little ways he offers his heart, each and every day.

I am grateful for Thea, and for the ways she encourages me to open my heart wider, to grow, and to be present for what each moment brings.

What are you feeling grateful for today?

March 17, 2009

grateful monday (a day late)

Ranunculus
my favorite flowers


Despite my best efforts, I wasn't able to post my grateful list yesterday. So here it is, a day late.  I hope you too are finding many things that warm your heart.

I am grateful for so many lovely birthday wishes this weekend.

I am grateful that my grandfather is able to enjoy time with is great-grandchildren.

I am grateful for new friends.

I am grateful for the self-knowledge that comes in quiet moments of reflection.

I am grateful for the calm after a good cry.

I am grateful for movies that put things in perspective.

I am grateful for mid-day dates, and for having family close by to make those happen.

I am grateful that my days are spent taking care of my sweet daughter.

I am grateful that I have so much love in my life.

  .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .  

What are you feeling grateful for today?

March 04, 2009

occupied.

Lunch

lunchtime during a visit with Thea's cousin Baker

Lately, it seems that Thea and I are growing a tad bored with our usual routine of hanging out around the house. Inspired by my sister-in-law, I came up with a list of things to keep us occupied. The first part of the list is an effort to get us out of the house a bit more. And then I stretched my brain to come up with more creative things to do while we at home. A few of these are ideas I've heard about from other mamas, and a few are ideas I've read about in other places (but can't remember where). Anyhow, I thought I'd share...

Visit the Children's Garden at Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens.

Take a walk and let baby feel the grass, leaves, and flowers.

Go to a playground and let baby watch the other kids play. Put baby in a front carrier and swing on the swings. Hold baby and go down the slides.

Visit Maymont to let baby see all of the plants and animals.

Sign baby up for a class at The Little Gym .

Go to story time at the local library or book store.

Take a mom-n-baby yoga class.

Go to the hardware store and let baby practice opening and closing different types of drawers and cabinets (and then make sure the drawers and cabinets at home are secure!)

Join or start a play group.

Read books that feature animal noises. Do your best to imitate the noises as the animal would actually make them.

Make some inexpensive new toys for baby, like a ring with ribbons (thanks, Dale!)

Sing silly songs - favorites in our household are pat-a-cake; head, shoulders, knees, and toes; and Miss Mary Mack.

Play peek-a-boo.

Make musical instruments for baby to play with. Fill plastic containers with dried beans, rice, or other kitchen items that make an array of different sounds.

Play with silky and gauzy scarves. Let baby feel a variety of textures.

Put on your favorite music and dance with baby.

Blow bubbles.

Play peek-a-boo.

GIve baby a thorough tour of the house, showing her things in each room and telling her their significance.

Interact with baby in front of a mirror.

Set up pillows or cushions in the floor so baby can practice crawling on an "obstacle course." Let baby climb all over you.

Find some big empty boxes and let baby explore.

Keep toys in rotation so there are always "new" ones for baby to play with.

Read books.

Let baby play with pots and pans or metal bowls and wooden spoons.

Try some simple arts and crafts on a splat mat or someplace else that is easy to clean up.

Talk to baby as you do daily chores like laundry or dishes. Tell baby everything you are doing step by step.

Take a bath together.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  . 

What am I missing? What did you do to keep your pre-toddler entertained when they were sort of crawling and pulling up, but not quite walking?

And also, I'm curious - were there stages of mothering your young child/ren that were more challenging for you than others?

March 02, 2009

grateful monday

Snow
Thea is not so sure she likes the snow


Because we were so, so sick, I had to take last week off. Trust me, it wasn't pretty. And with today's snow, I nearly forgot that it was Monday and time for another grateful post. Here goes...

I am so incredibly grateful that we are finally feeling better.

I am grateful for snow (at last!).

I am grateful for a husband who does the grocery shopping (and most of the cooking too).

I am grateful for extra family time together.

I am grateful that I finally decided that it was a good idea to go to bed early, even if it means I get much less done each day.

I am grateful for girls' night and for friends who always make me laugh.

I am grateful that we are a part of a pediatrics practice where the doctor herself often answers the phone, and where I don't have to wait for answers.

I am grateful for long-overdue visits with mama friends.

I am grateful for 10 months of mothering my sweet girl.

What are you feeling grateful for today?


February 17, 2009

lessons.

Big sky
clouds above the treetops


This morning, I had a moment (or ten) when I was overcome with impatience.  Shortly thereafter, I started being quite unkind to myself for feeling this way.

And then I remembered that every moment is an opportunity to start anew. I remembered that I am not defined by my emotions. I remembered that how I felt five minutes ago is not how I have to feel right now.

What lessons are offering themselves to you today?

February 16, 2009

grateful monday

Wagon
3 girls and a wagon (photo by John)


I am feeling very grateful for so many things. And, in this moment, I am grateful that I am learning to listen when my body tells me to rest.

It's been a long week, and I'm feeling a bit under the weather.

Be back in a few days.

February 09, 2009

grateful monday


Camp jeep
Camp Jeep, summer of 2005


We had quite a week. On Friday night, my Jeep was stolen from right in front of our house. We walked out to head over to the Chinese New Year Festival, and the car was gone. Just like that. Reports were filed, claims were made, a car was rented. Now we wait.

So today, I am feeling grateful for so many things.

I am grateful that if someone was going to cause trouble in the night, they took the car instead of breaking into our house.

I am grateful that my family is safe.

I am grateful for family and friends who do not hesitate in offering their support and kindness.

I am grateful for warm days and long walks.

I am grateful for evening sunshine.

I am grateful for my sewing machine.

I am grateful for Thea's laugh.

I am grateful for my holiday gift from my love - a month of weekly soup deliveries from one of our favorite restaurants.

I am grateful for endless opportunities to learn and not only for the skills gained, but also for lessons in personal growth.

I am grateful for meals and walks shared with friends, and for the care taken to ensure there was plenty of yummy food I could eat with my restricted diet.

I am grateful that my life is filled with so much love.

John thea deck
John & Thea at yesterday's brunch

What are you feeling grateful for today?

February 04, 2009

advice to a new mother

I'm having a bit of trouble locating the cord that transfers photos from the camera to the laptop. Because show + tell isn't much fun without the showing, I'll be back to share as soon as I can. For now, I'll leave you with another post I've been working on.

NICU

 

Thea in the NICU, days after her birth

In the months since Thea's birth, many of my friends expecting their own little ones have asked me for advice or words of wisdom. I must admit, this always makes me laugh just a little bit, mostly because since Thea's birth, I've been really, really careful to not give parenting advice. The exception is if I'm asked how we've handled a specific issue, and even then, I try really, really hard to be clear that this is only what has worked for our family, and that I don't at all think that it is the way that things should be done for everyone. Because this is what I do know for sure: Every baby is different. Every mama is different. Every family is different. What I'm finding out is that there isn't only one way to do things. What makes sense for one child and his or her parents may or may not be the answer for our family. I'm learning that we just have to keep trying different ways of approaching a situation until we find something that works for the three of us.

{Another reason this advice asking is so humorous to me is because the advice thing - particularly other people offering unsolicited advice - is something that I have really struggled with since becoming a mama.** If I'm feeling really, really brave, I might write more about that later.}

But for now, I'm offering up the affirmations that I repeat to myself over and over. These are the words that help me regain balance and reconnect with my inner guide.

follow your instincts...trust yourself...listen to your heart (and your head!)...be gentle with yourself...you are both learning and getting to know each other...it's okay to not know what you're doing...don't compare yourself or your baby to others...if necessary, read this a dozen times a day (or more!)...ask for help...accept help...lower the expectations you place on yourself...don't be hard on yourself when things don't work out the way you had expected them to...remember that your expectations for yourself are most likely much higher than those that others have for you...it's okay to sometimes (or a good bit of the time) feel sad and overwhelmed and frustrated and completely out of control...read "the books" (or not!) and pick out the pieces that feel right to you - and throw out the ones that don't resonate with you...rest whenever you can...find little pockets of time do do something that fills up your soul...be flexible...remember that everything is a phase...

You are stronger than you think. Really, you are.

What words of wisdom would you share with soon-to-be or new mamas (and/or dads)?

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

**edited to add: the advice I'm talking about is not the exchange of information I've shared with other mamas - that has been so, so helpfulf for me, and I am incredibly grateful to have benefited from the wisdom and experience of those who have journeyed before me (or who are walking this path right along beside me)

February 02, 2009

grateful monday

Tulip
tulips in our blue bedroom


I am feeling so, so grateful today.

I am grateful for sunny walks on an unexpected warm winter afternoon.

I am grateful for a long-overdue talk with a soulsister.

I am grateful for living in close proximity to (most of) our family.

I am grateful for my favorite boots.

I am grateful for the song of chirping birds.

I am grateful for my new organized studio storage (pictures to follow!).

I am grateful for a date night filled with good food and sharing and a hearty dose of whimsy, wonder, and laughter.

I am grateful for my love and for the ways he constantly amazes me with his kindness, understanding, and support.

I am so grateful that Thea is in my life, and that my days are spent loving her, taking care of her, and learning the lessons she teaches me.


What are you feeling grateful for today?

January 27, 2009

show + tell tuesday

This week, most of my creative time has been spent filling orders (thank you!). I did, however, have a chance to come up with a few designs inspired by that day of love that's coming up next month. Here's a peek at what I've been working on:

For all days
"for all days" necklace

Pour tous jours, or "for all days" in French, is the phrase John and I have engraved in our wedding rings. It's such a sweet phrase, I thought I would share it.

Heart day collage
love. period. necklace, two hugs and two kisses necklace, and another love necklace


Itty bitty heart
itty bitty heart necklace

I've also been working on some new enameled pieces. Learning this new medium is really making my heart sing.

Firing collage

Up next: chicken soup and a stuffed lamb for Thea.

How have you been expressing your creativity this week?

If you're up for sharing, leave me a link so I can see what you've been up to!



January 26, 2009

grateful monday

Sky
clouds in an evening sky


My heart is filled to the brim with gratitude on this cold and cloudy Monday. Today...

I am grateful for snowflakes.

I am grateful for unexpected visits from old friends (hi, Kate!).

I am grateful for my first full night of sleep in over 9 months.

I am grateful for the opportunity to celebrate historic occasions with dear friends.

I am grateful for hot soup and crusty bread.

I am grateful for strangers who open doors for a new mama with a squirmy baby in her arms.

I am grateful for nighttime nursing and a baby who falls asleep in my arms.

I am so, so grateful to be Thea's mama, always.

What are you feeling grateful for today?

January 25, 2009

habits + change

Clothespins 

clothespins hanging on the line

Since deciding to approach this new year with intention, I've been trying to pay attention to how my daily living contributes to this sense of waiting I've experienced nearly my entire life. I've been waiting for another time, for different circumstances, to find myself someplace other than where I am at this very moment. It occurred to me that I must be doing something in my day to day living to perpetuate this mindset. I just didn't know what it was.

So, I started paying attention.

And sure enough, through practicing mindfulness, I've become aware that I spend a good part of my time putting off what that my soul most needs, instead allowing my time and energy to be consumed with distractions.

This first became apparent to me when I started feeling frustrated that I couldn't keep up with all of the blogs that I want to read. I noticed that I would first go to the sites that I could easily scan through - or the ones I didn't have to think about too much when reading. And sometimes, that's okay. Sometimes, I just need to look at pretty pictures or to laugh a little. So, I'd put off reading the sites that really matter to me, telling myself that I would come back to them when I had a little more time, when I could really stop and soak up what they were offering, or when I could take the time or have my hands free to comment.

And then, I noticed that this was happening every single day. I noticed hat my RSS feed was sometimes showing dozens of unread posts on these sites that I love so much. And then I noticed that I never seemed to have the time that I was hoping to have - to really stop and read, to truly think and reflect, or to type out a few words in a comment. So, I would then either just skim through the posts, not really giving them the attention I had hoped to. Or, I would just click "mark all as read" to make that glaringly large number of unread posts disappear.

So, day after day, this was happening. I was spending a good bit of the time that I had for reading blogs on sites that didn't even matter that much to me. And totally missing so many good things that were right in front of me.

And then, I was a bit horrified to discover that this was happening in lots of different places in my life. I looked at the stacks of books lying around our house, the ones I have been letting sit there until I had time to slowly read and absorb them - all the while skimming through others just to confirm that I wouldn't want them later before I donated them to someone who would put them to good use. I realized that I had dozens of emails in my inbox waiting for replies, ones that deserved a thorough and thoughtful response. Instead of trying to answer one or two a day, I focused first on ones that I could quickly reply too, leaving the ones that probably most needed my attention unanswered, sometimes for weeks. Those are just a few examples. Trust me, I could go on and on.

It's no wonder that I feel like I've spent most of my days waiting for something other than what is right in front of me. Because this is in fact what I have been doing each and every day.

Sigh.

But now I'm paying attention. I still have a good bit of inner work to do to uncover why I seem to measure my self-worth by productivity and how many items I can manage to check off of my to-do list. But, in the meantime, I need to act. So, I'm trying to be conscious of shortening my lists - to only write down what I realistically think I can accomplish in one day. I'm taking a lesson from Karen Maezen Miller over at Cheerio Road, a dedicated monotasker. And I'm putting first things first.

It's a start. And right now, I need to start someplace.

Do you have any habits hanging around that are hindering your growth? What helps you to change these deeply rooted patterns?

January 20, 2009

show + tell tuesday

When I started the portfolio project, one of the things I wanted to do was to get myself into the habit of paying attention to the ways that I incorporate creativity into my daily living. In an effort to keep myself accountable for doing this, and to share some of the fun things I'm working on, I plan on starting a new feature for this space - show + tell tuesday. So, here we go! These are a few of the things I've been having fun with this week.

Sewing
Heather Bailey pincushion + setting up my new machine

For quite some time, I've been wanting to learn to use a sewing machine. A lovely new fabric shop and sewing lounge - fleur fabrics - opened here in the city not too long ago. The talented owner, Jenny, offers a number of really fun classes, so I decided to just go ahead and sign up for one. She's a really fantastic teacher - super patient with a beginner like me! Next up is a class on making a stuffed lamb for Thea, and then I might try the cloth diaper class she offers. If you're local, and you haven't stopped in, you absolutely must go check out the gorgeous space and beautiful fabrics. Click here for the fleur fabrics blog and more information about classes.

Onesies
onesies + baby t-shirts

A friend's baby shower was this weekend, so I decided to try my hand at decorating a onesie and side-snap t-shirt for her gift. I used the Sukie Iron-on Craft Pad for the designs. I did a bit of practicing, and it was fairly easy to do once I had done a few samples.

Gift
cupcake paper carnation

Once I made those onesies, I tried a new project prettily wrapping up my friend's gift - a cupcake paper carnation to top the package. The idea was Martha Stewarts, although the instructions I followed didn't quite work, so I had to adapt them to get the look I was going for. It was fairly easy to do - I used a couple sizes of cupcake papers and a tiny brad to arrange the flower "petals" and attach it to the ribbon. Viola!

Soup + bread
vegetarian minestrone soup

Because Thea has a number of suspected food allergies, John and I have had to get a bit creative with our menus. Right now, dairy, eggs, soy, peanuts, and chocolate are all "forbidden foods." For the holidays, John gave me a yummy cookbook, and this soup recipe has been one of my favorites. It's a good way to get a good mix of vegetables, protein, and carbs into my diet. The first time I made the recipe, I didn't have the exact ingredients on hand, so I improvised. The results were so good, that I've continued to use my adapted recipe each time I've made the soup.

How have you been expressing your creativity this week?

If you're up for sharing, leave me a link so I can see what you've been up to!

January 19, 2009

grateful monday

Frozen
a little bit of winter


Another Monday, and there is so much to be grateful for, both big and small.

I am grateful for stove-popped popcorn (and my handsome man making it for me).

I am grateful for new friendships.

I am grateful for a chance of snow.

I am grateful for a chance to sleep in.

I am grateful that my vulnerability is greeted with gentleness and open arms.

I am grateful for baby teeth finally breaking through.

I am grateful for music that moves me to tears.

I am grateful for courageous friends who inspire me.

I am grateful for hope.

I am grateful for the new beginning that each morning delivers.

I am grateful for long, romantic kisses.

I am grateful for nightly appreciations.

I am grateful for 9 months of loving on my sweet girl. Did you know she smells delicious?


On this cold Monday, what are you feeling grateful for?

January 18, 2009

growth

9 months

9 months
18 lbs, 15 ounces
29  inches
(and 5 teeth!)

Happy birthday, my love.

{And, if you want to see how my husband made me cry tonight, click here.}

January 16, 2009

stumbling onward

Enameling
firing the kiln & finished color samples

When I began the portfolio project, my intention was to focus on both my writing and a new concept for my jewelry, and to try to be mindful about carving out some space for creativity in my life each and every day. Going, in, I knew that I wouldn't be able to work on my jewelry each day, or even be able to complete some of the writing I wanted to do in one sitting. Such is life with an infant on the verge of toddlerhood, and with a husband who is busy, busy, busy launching his new business. Large (or even medium) blocks of uninterrupted time simply do not exist. I anticipated that I would try to write for this space a bit each day, with the intention of posting two or three more substantial essays in addition to my grateful monday and photo friday posts. I hoped to just let the words flow and to push through despite my battles with self-doubt, which often hold me back or cause me to over-think. In the end, it usually takes me a ridiculously long time to hit the "publish" button. These two outlets are things my heart has been holding onto for a long time, and this project seemed like just the nudge I needed to get me moving.

In one of her amazing podcasts, Jen Lee talks about the reasons that many of us are playing the portfolio project game. She talks about the three categories that most of us fall into - to get to a place where our art is financially sustainable, those of us who need the skill or mastery of our art gained through doing the portfolio project, and those of us who simply need the portoflio project as a gift to ourselves. For my project, I hoped to become practiced in a new technique - enameling - for my jewelry. My writing and my other daily creative pursits were simply a gift to myself, something my heart desperately needs.

I had my first chance to work on my jewelry last weekend, and it quickly became clear that this piece of my  project was not going to play out how I had envisioned it. I had planned to work on experimenting with enameling at least one to two days per week - a few hours on the weekend when John could be with Thea, and on Thursdays when my mom comes over to see her granddaughter. So, on Sunday, I fired up my kiln and got to work. And I worked for a couple of hours, firing several color samples, most with great success. And in the process, the entire house ended up smelling like I had the oven on self-clean. This arrangement simply was not going to work. Sigh. If I want to continue to take my jewelry in this direction, I'm going to have to find childcare for several hours a week. And I'm probably going to have to find a studio. Pronto.

These realizations have brought up some heavy emotions, and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all. I'm guessing that it won't be too challenging to find childcare, it's just not something I had planned on thinking about right now. But even bigger than figuring out the logistics are the emotions of having someone that I don't know take care of my baby girl. Since she came home from the NICU, I've only spent a few hours away from her at a time, and when I've been away, she's always been in the care of family. I feel a tremendous amount of anxiety just thinking about it. I'm wondering if this is really the right time to be learning more complicated new techniques and incorporating them into my jewelry line - if I should just wait until she is a tad older. It makes me feel guilty to think of having someone else take care of her so that I can pursue my creative work. I'm trying to sort through all of these emotions and determine what is best for Thea and if I'm projecting the anxiety and fear I feel about learning a new medium and focusing on my business again onto my worries about childcare. I know that it's normal to feel some big emotions when contemplating this type of transition, but I feel rather stuck with it. I didn't expect to have to be thinking about this right now.

I also feel hijacked by the money aspect of this transition. It feels like one thing for me to squeeze in time for myself or for my creative work when we can make it work, but I really struggle with paying someone to take care of our daughter while I take this time. It makes me feel so much pressure to master this new technique and start selling my work instead of just enjoying the learning process and the experimentation that comes with teaching myself something new. And I am aware that this pressure is entirely self-imposed, as my sweet husband has been encouraging me to do this for months, with no expectation of us gaining any income from my work, or even that I would make enough money to cover the cost of Thea's care.

Thinking about this really brings up my ongoing struggles in feeling confident in the ways that I contribute to our family. This is something that I really struggled with when I left my full-time job in December of 2006, not having any idea of what the future would bring. This is a deep and dark well for me, working through for quite some time. I hate how it seems to completely stall my creative process at times, and it makes me feel really insecure about the what I do produce. I hate how easily it is for me to disvalue my work if it is not created with the intention to sell, or if it doesn't sell once I put it out into the world. I hate the shameful feelings that arise when I write about the effect money has on my work.

This post did not at all turn out the way it thought it would when I started writing. There is much more to say - so many other emotions that have surfaced and insights gained, but for now, I feel like I need to pause. If you're still reading, thank you. Thank you so much for reading my words, for witnessing my journey.

photo friday + a brief project update

My head is swirling, filled with so many things - the portfolio project - what it is evolving into for me and what it is teaching me about myself - and all of the insights I'm gaining into my life simply by choosing to be more aware as I walk through my days.

Lately, I feel like I've been getting stuck in the logistics of actually making this project happen. The first week almost felt easy. It seemed that I had plenty of time to write - both in this space and in my personal journal. I was a bit amazed at the ease of how it was coming together. And even though I hadn't been able to work on my new ideas for my jewelry, I had some time scheduled to make that happen.

And then, it all seemed to fall apart.

That time I had scheduled for play was somehow eaten up by other jewelry projects I had committed to. Thea started cutting 4 teeth at once and, at the same time, had an icky reaction to a new food we had introduced. Her sleep started to become inconsistent once again, and the time I had planned to work on my writing and jewelry was suddenly needed for the simple act of rest. And the dog. Don't even get me started about how surely the dog has been plotting to drive me mad. Then there's the reality of my husband working so hard to launch his new business and the flexibility of schedule it requires. And of course, there are always the everyday things like laundry, diapers, tidying, preparing food and actually sitting down to eat. I started to think that I was crazy for taking on this project with a little baby, with nursing, and the challenges we have faced and with so little rest anyway.

But enough about that. I really don't want to spend too much time writing about those kinds of obstacles. You see, I have been so utterly and completely amazed at what I have been learning about myself in the couple of short weeks since starting this project. And, it is becoming quite clear that those logistical hiccups are really only a small part of what stalls my movement. What I'm learning - most of all - is that my biggest struggles are not limited to one part of my life or another (of course!) - that they are always there, manifesting themselves in various disguises so that I won't recognize them.  It is becoming so clear that the fears that follow me around are present all of the time - whether it is in my creative work, my mothering, my relationship with my husband, my family or my friends. They are sneaky, those fears.

{In an attempt to keep this post somewhat short of a novel, and because I just want to have something about what I am experiencing posted, I'm going to try to break it down and write about the specifics of what I am learning and the fears I am uncovering in a few posts throughout the next week.}

But I will say this. Each day of this project has been a practice in being kinder to myself. So many things are bubbling to the surface, and I am seeing myself more clearly than I have in a long, long time. It feels similar to when I was working with my life coach, preparing to leave my full-time job and leap into the unknown.  Except now, I am feeling much more compassion for myself - I am feeling much more accepting of those vulnerable places in my heart.

There will be more to follow. I am even going to start working on another post right now.

For now, here are a few moments from my week:

Photo friday 011609 

Be well, friends. I hope you have a lovely (and warm!) weekend.

 

January 12, 2009

grateful monday

Buds
the loveliness of winter


On this Monday, I am grateful for so many things...

I am grateful for time with family.

I am grateful for a new keyboard for my MacBook.

I am grateful for naps (especially the ones that the wee girl takes).

I am grateful for sunshine after a rainy week.

I am grateful for time to express my creativity.

I am grateful for insight.

I am grateful for yummy treats.

I am grateful for friendship.

I am so, so grateful for love, which makes my life so much sweeter.

River

What are you feeling grateful for today?


January 05, 2009

grateful monday

Pine 

sweet little pine cones

I am grateful for hand-me-down baby clothes.

I am grateful for the opportunity to repay a bit of the kindness shown to John and I before and after Thea's birth.

I am grateful for a new toilet that flushes.

I am grateful for sticky rice with mango.

I am grateful for hand holding on date night.

I am classic inspiration.

I am grateful for gentle nudges.

I am grateful for quiet time for self-reflection, for moments of insight, for the sighs of the soul that come from being understood.

What are you feeling grateful for today?

January 04, 2009

a new year, a new approach

This post is one that has been tumbling around in my head for quite some time. Having written so much about our journey to bring a child into this world, documenting how I have been changed by finally having a child feels like an important piece of my story, even if it isn't neat or tidy, and even if it doesn't show my best self. And, in the spirit of the portfolio project, I'm posting this despite my thoughts not feeling entirely complete or polished. In the next few weeks, I hope to post more on how I have worked through and continue to cope with some of the feelings lingering after the three years it took us to have our daughter.

Belly 

my pregnant belly at 29 weeks

When I was pregnant with Thea, I wondered how I would feel once she was here safely. I never expected that having a living child would erase the sadness and grief I felt after our losses. However, I was hopeful that her presence in my life would shine a light into those dark places in my heart, and that this brightness would begin to cleanse my spirit of the jealousy, anger, and resentment that were still lurking in the shadows.

Almost immediately after Thea's birth, the jealousy I felt when seeing other little babies dissolved. But, still, I found myself feeling resentful and jealous when I encountered pregnant women. Really, the only pregnancies that didn't cause me heartache were those of fellow babyloss mamas. And there were times when even those were difficult for me to witness. I was confused about the way I felt. I was ashamed that after carrying my daughter for 36 weeks and delivering a live, healthy baby, I still felt so trapped by negativity.

{I also had a lot of shame around the cesarean birth of my daughter, despite this really being the only option to bring her safely into the world. Any other way would have put both my life and hers at great risk. However, exploring those feelings is another post altogether. But let's just say that I'm feeling much better about that now.}

In the first few months after Thea's birth, I spent a lot of time journaling, thinking, and internally processing. I needed to get to the core of what was causing these emotions. One of the pregnancies I was having a hard time coping with was that of a dear friend. I hated the way I felt. I kept thinking about being pregnant again. It felt like the only way I could resolve the feelings I was experiencing. And yet, I didn't want another baby, at least not then. It became clear quite quickly that these painful emotions were about the state of being pregnant, not about my desire to bring another person into the world and the responsibilities that come along with doing that.

I started paying attention to specifically what my triggers were. I wrote in my journal almost daily about these triggers, and I realized that there were certain things that cut deeper than others. I became aware that what brought on these feelings was other people having the kind of pregnancy and birth experience that I had wanted, but was not able to have.

You see, while pregnancy was very, very much about bringing a child into this world, I am learning that, for me, it was also about something else. During the three years that John and I were trying to become and stay pregnant, I had a lot of time to think about what it would be like - what I would be like - when I was finally growing that new life inside of me. I imagined myself in this zen state, trusting the process, focused and calm, getting in touch with my inner earth mama, journaling, meditating, doing prenatal yoga. Of course I would do prenatal yoga - I had dreamed about it for years. I would craft and nest and do all of those domestic things I had been dying to do. I would try my best for a natural birth. I was very much looking forward to laboring and pushing my child into this world.

Except that's not how any of it happened.

From the start of my pregnancy, I was incredibly ill, and this lasted for a good bit of my 36 weeks of pregnancy. I had to take medication nearly every single day to keep from  or limit my vomiting. I had spotting, was diagnosed with placenta previa, and, as a result, had to limit my activity for most of my pregnancy. My body kinda freaked out on me as a result of a neuromuscular disorder that I was later diagnosed with. We went to see either my OB or perinatologist almost every week. At 32 weeks, I had a hemmorhage and was in the hospital for a week and then on strict bedrest at home for another 2 weeks until I had another bleed. Throughout my pregnancy, I was worried sick, and spent a good part of my time simply trying to distract myself so that the days would pass. This distraction involved a lot of Netflix, sudoku, magazines, and HGTV.

{And, without a doubt, I would do it all over again to bring my sweet girl into this world.}

So, after Thea's birth, as I wrote and wrote and wrote, it became clear to me that the kind of person I had dreamed about becoming while pregnant was more than simply how I wanted to exist while pregnant - it was the kind of person that I wanted to be all the time. And, most often, I felt like I couldn't be further away from who I wanted to be and how I wanted to experience life. In all honesty, I think I simply did what I needed to do to make it through my pregnancy without losing myself in a deep well of fear and worry.  Reflecting on how I have changed as a result of having those five miscarriages, I am aware that those three years brought tremendous personal growth. However, in many parts of my life I was simply stuck, unsure how to move forward or not having the energy or clarity to do so. Looking back, I think I had so many hopes for pregnancy - not only that it would allow us to bring a child into this world - but also that it would help me fall into the rhythm of the life I had visualized.

The past few months have been an awakening for me. I realized that for much of my life, I have been waiting for something. I've been looking forward to that thing {insert any one of the following - entering college, graduating from college, getting a job, getting that job, earning an advanced degree, being disciplined enough to train for a marathon, closing difficult chapters, finding true love, exploring my creative side, getting pregnant, staying pregnant, birthing a baby} - that thing that will - at last - help everything else click into place.

But now, it has become very clear that there is no one thing that is going to cause this shift. If anything was going to cause this realignment, surely it would have been my pregnancy and the miraculous birth of our daughter. And yet, afterwards, even as I found myself filled with so much joy and love and wonder, there were parts of my life that I needed and wanted to grow into.

These days, I'm learning that the richness of life isn't about having arrived - it's about continuing to stretch and grow and to open my heart and mind wider.  I am learning that I can choose how I walk through my life, no matter if I find myself in the brightest or darkest of places. Each day - each moment - is a part of the journey - a chance to learn, to reflect, to recenter, to restart - to create the life I want to live. I am learning that that if there are qualities within myself that I'd like to nurture or skills I'd like to acquire, that there is no time like the present.

{And, I must admit, that I feel a little silly that it has taken me 30+ years to arrive here. Bear with me, folks.}

So, I would like for 2009 to be the start of really, truly living my life with intention. I want to be awake. I want to be mindful. I want to approach each day with purpose - even if the day I find myself in is filled only with the small tasks of daily living. I want to be present for the people that I love. I want to be intentional about my relationship with myself, my family, my friends, and my community. I want to stop waiting. I want to start creating.

This is what my heart is telling me that it needs. This is going to be hard work. But I believe it will be so, so worth it.

So tell me, in this new year, what does your heart need?

June 2009

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