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May 22, 2008



The first few weeks (ok yeah months) are so hard on the both of you. But I really like your last paragraph - it's such a great way to think. Learning together - that is what you do.

For what it's worth, I love the idea of journaling in a book. I've been using my blog for that, but I think I might steal this for Baby O. :)



Girl, that is tame. Go ahead and tell that child what you're dealing with because one day when she's 14-going-on-30 you're going to want some evidence. Also, if it makes you feel better, and it will, go read Sundry:

Susan Epperson


You're doing everything right. I know how hard it is. For Tom and me, it took us a whole year to get our juju back. Just keep on loving her, and listening to your gut. There is no one way to do it. And honestly, though the first year is filled with's not always as romantic as it could be.

We were told frequently, "It's all a stage. And you will get through it." They were right.

We're sending you much love and some peace.



you are a beautiful mother to a beautiful baby girl! i am glad you are writing to her- and writing everything that you are going through- i believe you will both look back at this book and be glad you wrote it



you are a beautiful mother to a beautiful baby girl! i am glad you are writing to her- and writing everything that you are going through- i believe you will both look back at this book and be glad you wrote it




Hang in there! It is hard, but you can do this. And I think your journal entry is great, the pure truth. It may not be what she wants to read someday, but she will have other stories that she probably won't want to read either (embarrassing stories :)) But if you get exhausted, call for some help. It sounds like you have some support around that can and will help out. Even if it is for a few hours of sanity. If someone could come and watch Thea so you can nap to feel rejuvinated it is OKAY! Remember that a happy momma makes a happy baby. The easier you go into in feeing good the ending normally turns out great. And exhaustion can kill anyone's mood and feelings. Also, remember that everything you imagined for Thea may not be for Thea. It may be for you, and not right for her. So if the cloth diapers make her mad, go back to the eco-friendly. Or if breastfeeding isn't working, go ahead and bottle feed her. No matter what you do, you will NEVER be a bad mom. Your internal love and instincts came flying out of your heart when the door locked on her room, and you can read it in your post. You are doing fine, just take care of yourself. Thinking of you~


Stella also screamed on top of her lungs whenever I attempted to change her, let alone "dare" to pull a piece of clothing over her head. Suddenly I think when she turned 8-9 weeks she stopped. Maybe it's because we have some many things to entertain her on her changing table. 2 mobiles (hanging thingys), 2 rattles, "Curt" the b/w toy cat, one of her pink toy cats, etc. At 8-9 weeks we could distract her from the actual "changing" act and that's when she stopped screaming. Also the feeding: it really sounds like a growth spurt...and they are insatiable really. When we ut Stella down for the night, she is so filled up with food that she can't do anything else than fall asleep - almost too full. You are doing everything so right. The beginning is tough, but it does get easier.


I read your blog often but never comment. I wanted to say congratulations! She is beautiful. The first few months are the hardest but you great attitude will get you through. Things get easier after 6 months, and even easier after that. Hang in there.


I could have written that post with my first kiddo. It WILL get better. And sooner than you think. I feel the need to include a little assvice with this comment - ignore it as you please. My first kiddo was fussy, fussy, fussy - before a feeding, during a feeding, after a feeding- it didn't matter. And he slept like total crap. When I started noticing these tendencies with my second I tried an elimination diet to rule out food allergies and it TOTALLY WORKED - much to my surprise. I realize this is probably not what you guys are dealing with but in retrospect I wish someone had mentioned to to me the first time around. So here I am mentioning it to you.

Good Luck!!


hang tough, sweet nikole!

xoxo, sarah


Hey Nikole,
I found your babylust blog in January after I had lost the baby we worked so very hard to conceive at 11 weeks gestational age. We found out later that it was a boy with Down syndrome and were heartbroken all over again. In your blog I truly found comfort and compassion, and have been closely following your pregnancy with TES.

I'm glad you're reading Annie Lamott's book, it's one of my all-time favorites. When our daughter Rowan was born (almost 10 years ago, also by c-section) she was so hungry at first. She cried every evening for hours and I found my anxiety slowly rising throughout the day as we neared the witching hours. Dark thoughts plagued me, physiological and pharmaceutical leftovers, I guess, from all the drugs, mixed liberally with sleep deprivation. Not much seemed to help her. For no obvious reason, it all stopped around 7 weeks and she seemed to finally settle into her skin.

I think some of it might be about arriving in this world via c-section. Perhaps the change is so abrupt, so radical, so without warning and context that it takes weeks (months?) to process and integrate and land here. Thea will also settle, with time.

Trust yourself, breathe, sleep at every possible opportunity, experiment with your diet, take breaks, give yourself over to the crazy world of parenting newborns knowing that soon you will surface and find your rhythm in your "new normal".

Many blessings.


I thought that was a very beautiful journal entry. she won't really be interested in reading what you wrote when she's 13, or 15, or even 17 except maybe to know how cute and smart you thought she was. But when she is 30 and has her own baby, those words of frustration will be so beautiful to her, knowing that SHE is OKAY, and doing a good job and that she is a good mommy because her mom had the foresight to be honest with her.

One could probably speculate for hours on why she seems so upsetting/upset-able. Maybe she is just still very sensitive from her entry into the world. Some babies have really sensitive heads and my LC told me that head rubbing is over stimulating to newborns. Made sense to me considering what their heads go thru...whether via vaginal birth or c-section! Maybe she's kinda sensitive all over...?

Maybe she's just in her break-in know how a new car squeaks and moans and has funky little quirks that get worked out when you put a few good freeway miles on it? I bet the same will happen for Thea. I know how frustrated and on the verge of tears and other things you must be with breastfeeding. You are both still within that newborn period...that magical hellish 6 weeks. Many many a mom will tell you that they came *this* close to giving up breastfeeding and right at the precipice of insanity, something clicked. I can't promise that will happen but its very likely to.
do you swaddle? I know that probably sounds trite but I felt the need to throw it out there. Don't get me wrong, my son haaaated being swaddled. But my daughter seems to like it when she's really in a tiz.
Ok I'm done with patronizing suggestions. =)

She won't be this fussy forever. Really. I swear. I bet she'll end up to be all mild mannered and docile and people will think you're a crazy liar when you tell the stories of how possessed she was as a newborn.
Be kind to yourself're doing a great job!!!! Don't blame yourself, don't beat yourself up. Its quite alright to be at your wit's end. Normal, even. You won't always be exhausted and your nipples won't always feel like they're going to fall off, and you won't always cringe at the sound of her waking up...

Hang in there, girl!


Nikole, I too had a c-section, so I can't help but wonder about the above comment where her fussy daughter was also c-section? My little one was the same for 10 weeks. It was hard. But an elimination diet proved an allergy to milk. He got on special formula and voila...our days and nights were MUCH easier! But it DOES get better, so hang in there. Today, Jon Kai is an adorable, curious, happy, well-adjusted 9 month old that sleeps through the night and screams only when he's playing (to hear himself). So keep your chin up...I promise it will get better and you'll look back at these times and be proud you are doing so well!


You are doing a great job as Thea's mama--no one could do it better! Just a little assvice in case her screaming continues--talk to your ped about reflux (especially for babies who spit up a lot and seem to need to eat constantly--the milk helps neutralize the acid that's burning their little esophaguses). The other issue we had was dairy and soy sensitivities--proteins from any dairy or soy I ate would go right into my milk and cause my baby terrible cramping. Once I stoppped eating dairy and soy, it was like I had a new baby--almost always happy, laughing, and full of joy and health! And I was able to keep breastfeeding. In a few months my baby outgrew the sensitivies and I'm eating dairy and soy and still nursing. Hang in there--it gets better, promise!


That is beautiful for its heartfelt love for Thea and mothering. Your love shines through, and keep journaling if you can. I'm hopeful things will smooth out soon and please know you are doing a wonderful job.


i so understand what you are going through, sweets. every other day i think about giving up on breastfeeding, but keep on going. bella cries a lot as well. all i can say is you are a wonderful mama and that it seems to get a bit better as the weeks go by, singing also helps. ; )



My memory of my son is of him constantly screaming. He was a hard baby. Because of how hard he was we waited an extra year to have our next one.

But now he is the most laid-back adorable toddler I've ever met. I wouldn't change a single minute of his baby months knowing what a fantastic little boy I have now. So there is an end, and it will all be worth it...I promise!

catherine illian

so sorry you are having a hard time-- they are really fussy for the first few weeks-- things can be really hard-- I have some pictures of jack when it seemed like all he would do is fuss-- so we just took them with him screaming-- because we wanted to remember what he looked like-- let me know if I can come over and give you a break!


Our 5m son cried/screamed from about 3w-4m. He ended up having reflux, treatment with Zantac did help some. He may have had colic, we used Harvey Karps' techniques in 'Happiest baby on the block' which helped. But the thing that helped most was him getting older. You are doing a wonderful job with Thea, you are so dedicated to her and she knows that. She will find her space, hang in there one day at a time. Your journal post is right on spot- real, loving and hopeful.

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