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« cloth diapering - part deux | Main | celebration »

June 14, 2008


Beth (bLemon)

Except for the dream, I could have written this post. I have these thoughts all the time and I feel so bad for thinking terrible things. Is this normal?

It's almost like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have a perfect baby who is so healthy and so beautiful. Why am I so lucky? Being a mom is terrifying.


I felt like that so many times when I had Anu. I would wake up and check her over and over. I know the life can be cruel but I choose to trust that my children will be ok. Becoming a mom opened a door of worry: I wonder if they will be happy, will they trust themselves, will they love each other. It goes on and on. When my dad left his body I would worry about death every time I took a shower.(I don't know why the shower)
For myself I find my belief in goodness draws me out and my determination not to be led by fear. I try to give my children the best I can and remember I am really not in charge.


Make that three of us out there who think the same things as you. I will be nursing Ava and look down at her beautiful little face and worry that I will lose her before she has time to grow and be her own person. I also worry that she will lose me before she has time to grow and know me as her mother. And then I worry that my husband (wonderful father that he is) won't do things exactly the way I do them and will that be ok? It's silly, but those pesky thoughts creep in anyway.

When Ava was just 2 months old, her great-grandfather passed away. He (and my grandmother) had traveled from South Africa just to meet their first great-grandchild. He was so happy. And then he was gone. At least he got to meet her, everyone would say. But was saddened me was that they didn't get to know each other. I don't want to be just the person who birthed my child. I want her to know me. And I want to know her. In the grand scheme of things, pregnancy is so short, but those nine months play such a huge part in how many amazing things can play out. And when I start to worry, I just hope that I get to enjoy more than just a few months with my child after the nine months of growing her and bringing her into this world. That sounds a little selfish, but I want to know how this story plays out!

I know there are so many wonderful things ahead for us, and hoping to be a part of them is what I want most of all. Watching a baby grow (if only for 6 months at this point) is so amazing; I look at girls in high school and wonder what my daughter will be like then. Part of me worries about that too!

All we have is each day and all we can wish for is the future - and it's hard sometimes to just truly enjoy the moment. I think the more you try, the more you enjoy and the easier it all becomes.


Ok well its an official club. I worry about my kids constantly. I have visions and nightmares that play over and over. I imagine, against my will, that they wander into the street and are struck by a car. I worry that I will die and my kids and husband will be lost. yes, being a mother is terrifying. and beautiful. I think we are pretty normal in our insanity.

can I have my membership card? =)

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