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« gaining | Main | in this moment »

June 03, 2008



~ New black out shades that allowed for a 2 hour nap this afternoon

~ Finally cleaning out the pantry and bathroom closet (LONG overdue!)

~ Getting an email from Joe (away in Scotland) while knowing it may be the only time I hear from him all week

~ Finding out my best friend is pregnant

~ Eating dinner with Ava (me: sandwhich; her: homemade sweet potato puree)

~ Sharing some giggles before bedtime

Not quite sunshine (it's hotter and more humid down in NC) but it'll do!


Your post added magic to my day today! YEAH for weight gain, for nursing without the shield, for mastering the Moby wrap, for morning walks with your daughter and pup, soaking up the rays. Congratulations on surviving the last few weeks and for staying so clearly in the present, trusting the process.

Our society persists in upholding the ideal of the saintly, "perfect" mother who embraces motherhood completely with nary a complaint. Please, give me a *$#%ing break. Every mother has moments of feeling completely overwhelmed, especially in the beginning when our needs and our entire life as we've known it are utterly subjugated, 24/7. Even our most joyful life choices are usually marked by some degree of ambivalence. We all as humans inhabit both ends of the light-dark spectrum, especially as mothers. There is a great book about just this issue called "If Only I Were a Better Mother" by Melissa West; its byline is "using the anger, fear, despair and guilt that every mother feels as a pathway to emotional balance and spiritual growth."

The only time my life has been as radically and fundamentally thrown into this kind of chaotic reordering, on the order of magnitude of having a baby, is when my daughter Rowan was diagnosed with leukemia at 6 years old in Sep of 2004. We made it through the crazy journey of pediatric cancer (treatment lasted 28 months and is chronicled on her website,
az/rowangrace) but those first few months reminded me of when she was born. No part of our lives remained untouched, and the learning curve was HUGE. Nothing else in my life compares...

Thank you for your honesty, for "keeping it real." Hang in there Nikole! It just keeps getting better and better. Many blessings,


Seeing you, Thea and the goldfinches. Connecting with you and Thea. Knowing that you had sunshine -- of all sorts -- in your day. Reading your post.


-finding patience

Also, knowing that you are coming out the other side! I am so happy that your world is full of light and happiness - I can't think of anyone who deserves it more!


catherine illian

so happy for you-- it sounds like both of you are thriving-- what a wonderful few days---so glad you have been able to (mostly) ditch the nursing shield. I am sure she likes it better-- no nursing shield is softer than you are--- are you stll pumping?

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