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« too busy for words | Main | thea : rockstar »

August 06, 2008

Comments

kelly

I, for one, have always utterly admired your honesty and candor. I struggled to even form sentences when we had our miscarriage, and there is no way I could have articulated the experiences that I had during that time. I may be able to do it now, but I still hold back because its just...hard.

In fact, I think what I like about you most is your honesty. It is probably something I admire above all things in a person. I don't like facades. I have always loathed anything fake in a person (not hair color or acrylic nails...but the lies we tell ourselves and push on other people). I have many friends that are very close to me that I struggle to get closer to because some kind of facade, lie, mask, untruth, denial stands in the way of that. I have trouble being truthful about my own feelings and I'm just now getting in touch with that fact. So honesty ranks high in my book. The kind of honesty that you have shown in the journey you have shared with we internet-ers is quite frankly rare, beautiful, admirable, and takes more courage than just getting through the losses in my opinion. Being "cracked open" is one thing. Showing your cracked open-ness to everyone is something else entirely. Most people would just put on an emotional wardrobe, if you will, that would mostly conceal the guts of their pain.

Having said that, your journey is your personal journey. I feel pretty confident in saying that i don't think anyone is going to judge you for anything you "confess". Anyone who does judge you is probably going to face some fierce defenders of you. Furthermore, anything you do "confess" is probably going to be met with silent nods, amen sisters, yeses, and jaws slightly agape in wonder at how you articulated what we have all felt at one time or another.

the journey is individual. But the human experience is universal.

and I'll just throw this out there to end: you know...sleep deprivation is used to torture "the enemy" in times of war. It is a powerful tool to break down all defenses, militarily speaking.
It is no small thing. If you are yearning for a time of something other than sleepless torture, no one is going to think its because you don't love Thea or wouldn't give up your very life for her. You practically did. Sleep is not too much to wish for.

And I know that that is not even remotely touching on the tenderness of your pain.

Take care of yourself. And be PROUD Of yourself Nikole. you are a remarkable person!!

Jenny

nikole, kelly said it. it is personal, it is your business, and it always has been. but you seem to find a way to say it that not only helps you but everyone else. just think of what a relief it is to read anne lamott talk about sam being a 'very bad baby.' it's so absurd, hilarious, impossible, and yet healing to hear that!! her self-awareness, desperation, and bravery for revealing that horrible thought makes it sweet. how can anything so primal as caring for an infant and losing your moorings of sleep, routine, identity, etc. not be flipping scary?? luckily, you have an army of fellow travelers here who are unshockable. xx

megan

I have found so much truth and comfort from reading your entries. You are being honest and sharing what is really going on. I'm grateful...so grateful you are doing that because it helps me so much and I'm sure there are a zillion others who feel the same way. As someone suffering from recurrent loss, I often wonder "what will it be like one day if it finally does happen?" It seems so complex and layered with different emotions. Thank you for sharing what you have. This is YOUR space and you have the right to write whatever you feel!

lydia

Just wanted to say I hear you.

kelly (again)

another thought,

I saw Brooke Sheilds on TV and thought of how brave she was to share the terror of her postpartum depression. She admitted wanted to drive herself and her baby into a wall to kill them both. How much courgage does that take? How much strength does it take to admit that she didn't love her baby instantly.

Every facet of motherhood is not enjoyable. Alot of it is painful, exhausting, annoying, trying, etc etc. So if you aren't enjoying every second of it, ITS OK!!!!

I am personally a little pissy at my own precious baby girl because she refuses to let me sleep at night. I love her, but I'm pissed. LOL

I really will shut up now. I swear. =)

Another Girl

I too just wanted to say I hear you... When my 7th pregnancy was successful after 6 were not, I thought I needed to be grateful every minute of every day and that I was horrible when I wasn't. Or even was complaning for a second. The motherhood journey is a rough one. And as the previous poster said sleep deprivation is wicked. Hang in there. 3-6 were the absolute worst time for me - mine never slept - and then one day it got better and even better still!

serenity

Nikole - Trust me, I know where you are right now.

Truth is, with all experiences, there is good AND bad. Being honest about all of the experience, both the good and bad, does not mean you're happy or unhappy. It just is.

Above all, this blog is your own space. We're here for you through the good and the bad.

xx

DL

Nikole,

I have been religiously reading your blogs for probably close to two years now and I am coming out of the shadows to tell you how much I appreciate your honesty.

I am currently the new mom of an eight week old little boy, conceived after four torturous losses and 4.5 years of heartache, followed by a somewhat complicated pregnancy in which I worried constantly that I might lose my miracle. As the others have said, the sleep deprivation is just terrible and it has made me doubt my ability to mother the child I spent years longing and praying for.

Hang in there, Nikole, and know that you are not alone.

RM

I too am also struggling with the notion of "having to be grateful". This is my first potentially viable pregnancy after 3 losses, and being pregnant has been harder than I thought it would be. I feel like sh*t all the time, but I feel guilty about hating it since there are plenty of other bloggers who would trade with me. But I am trying to go easy on myself. It is harder than I expected, but it is worth it. I think that is how you're feeling about motherhood too. But not only is no one is hating on you for not 100% loving this current moment in your life, we're all glad you're not the kind of gal to blow smoke up our as*es!

That said, have you considered starting an anonymous blog? Might be freeing to have a completely safe place to unload... xox

schmoops

i SO hear you, and understand.

Cheryl

Your honesty is so precious...don't compromise it for fear of readers' perceived interpretations. :)

For all its hardships (and the occasional torture ;) ) it's a ride you are so obviously intended for. You're not alone.

Much love. Hold what you wish, but keep sharing what you can.

judy

A. You are experiencing a tiny bit of chemical imbalance postpartum plus inadequate sleep. Exercise-lift hand weights or run in place -anything to get those endorphins flowing --and live a life that puts a smile on your face. I guarantee your family will be smiling too. Happiness is a decision.

anon

Judy, are you kidding us? happiness is not always a choice. and frankly, the notion that a person has to always be happy is ridiculous. Its OK to not be happy sometimes.

I seriously can not believe you just suggested that she exercise and everything will be OK. There are hormones and chemicals and lack of sleep involved in this scenario, yes. But lifting hand weights is not a practical or even remotely sensitive answer.

wow.

Adrienne

Everyone else has said so eloquently what I feel that instead of reiterating there eloquent thoughts I instead will jump up and down and shout and stammer...NO!!! You must blog and you must blog the truth...(but only if you want to). The 15 week baby growing inside me needs it and God knows I need it too!! I need the unfiltered, unfettered truth from a friend whose brain and heart I respect so very much!!

Carlasue

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your journey with us thus far in such a personal and honest way. It is scary to be real - even online - and just know that those of us out here that read and follow your journey admire you and have been pulling for you and only want joy and strength for you. That being said, all journeys go through valleys and peaks and whenever you feel like sharing the tough stuff with us, we appreciate it and I, for one, am in no place to judge or think you love your daughter any less. Parenting is tough. The road you traveled to get there is a terribly difficult one and of course you will bear the scars from that. It changes you. There is no way around that. But because of those scars, you are a more interesting, more colourful, more beautiful person who can have compassion and understanding for others. I encourage you to continue to record your thoughts and feelings in the wonderful and honest way you have. You will look back on this blog someday as a wonderfully honest record of where you were at during this time. May you feel blessed today!

Kristin

Hey Nikole,

I was going to ask if you'd read Anne Lamott's "Operating Instructions", as well, and saw another comment referencing it. Parenthood is such a mix of really awesome & really scary & hard sitting side by side, isn't it? You're doing a beautiful job - what a lucky baby Thea is!

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