clearframe

you've come a long way, baby

Thea's first photo, just over a year ago.

And, my little toe-grabber at just over five months...

Are you the seed?
Are you a tree?
You can be anything
You want to be.

Everything is possible
Because you're a miracle
Everything is possible
When you're around
'Cause you're a miracle, uh-huh
A little miracle, oh yeah.

-from the album It's a Big World, by Renee and Jeremy

I'm in awe of how far we have come in just a year. This time last September, I was trying to hope, trying to trust, trying to believe.

Thank you, my love, for reminding me of what is possible - every day, every moment.

shift

self-portrait, September 2008

Over the past two weeks, I seem to have settled into a place of deep peace.  It's a little bit of a surprise to find myself here. Since Thea's birth, I've felt quite happy and content. However, I've also found myself feeling more than a little lost, with doubts weighing down my heart.

But now, for the most part, I feel different: I feel calm, settled, and centered. I feel like I'm more in touch with my intuition. I feel like I'm getting a hang of this mothering thing. And by that, I mean that I am settling into the constant readjustment that it requires. I'm getting used to the surprises and the shifts - sometimes subtle and sometimes drastic - that make each day an adventure. I feel more confident in my own style of parenting. And most importantly, each day, I feel such immense gratitude for all of the blessings in my life - my daughter, my husband, my family, my friends, health, nourishment, and a thousand other things. I am so thankful to spend my days with my daughter, watching her change and grow with each passing moment. Returning to gratitude has been such an amazing practice for me. I am still shocked that something so simple can be so powerful for me.

It feels natural to find myself here as the seasons shift. The other day, I was out with Thea on our morning walk, and I realized how grateful I was for the change in weather - for the break in the heat, for the crispness of the air, for the subtle changes in the landscape around me. I was aware of how lately, I've been welcoming change in all parts of my life. I've become aware that it doesn't scare me quite so much anymore. I'm coming to realize that the only thing that seems certain is change, so I'm trying to figure out how to go through it while keeping my heart open, to learn to let go of the need to feel in control, to see change as an opportunity for growth. I am learning to be more kind to myself, to embrace my imperfection, to welcome the mistakes and the fumbles and the learning that comes along with them. I'm feeling more and more okay just being me.

I don't want to overly romanticize things, or make it seem like I'm floating along in a happy daze. I've continued to struggle with finding balance and making time for self-care. I haven't had more than 4 consecutive hours of sleep in over 5 months, and some days, I'm tired down to my bones. The economic situation and political circus happening right now have given me more than a few headaches. And I've certainly had my moments. But now, it feels easier to let go, to surrender, to simply be in the moment I find myself in. And that feels really, really good.

pinwheels for peace

Did you know that today is the International Day of Peace?

Here is the display of pinwheels celebrating the occasion in the schoolyard across the street from our house.

om

I had a bit of a meltdown this morning.

I was on my way to my Thursday morning mom & baby yoga class. It was the first time that everything had fallen into place just so - Thea had actually taken a nap, the diaper bag was packed with blankets and toys, we were both dressed, and her belly was full. I had even managed to pack a lunch so that I could attend the moms' group that is held right after class. I was feeling good.

I let Rilo-dog out to take care of business while I got Thea situated in her carseat. I returned to the back door and opened it, calling her name. I didn't see her anywhere. I called again, and shook her box of cookies to get her attention. She came bounding around the side of the house with a dirt-caked bone clutched in her jaws.

I spent the next twenty minutes trying to convince her to drop the bone and come into the house. I tried calling her, bribing her, chasing her and giving her the evil eye. I even tried growling. I was getting angry. Really angry. In fact, it felt as if my head might explode. I finally lost it and shouted, "G*damm!t, Rilo, all I want is to go to my f&!#ing yoga class!"

Because I clearly needed it.

 I then went inside and cried and hung my head in shame at my outburst. It's really not like me to get so angry.

I finally got Rilo in the house and into her crate. It was too late to attend class, but I decided to put Thea in the car and drive for a few minutes, hoping to clear my head.

Then I came home and sat quietly while holding my girl in my lap. I did a little meditation, extending lovingkindness first to Rilo and then to myself. Rilo then came and laid down beside me, rolling on to her back. I couldn't help but rub her furry little belly.

It is all a bit humorous now. I hope I at least gave the neighbors a good chuckle.

Still, I've been thinking a bit about why I became so angry. Surely, it wasn't about missing my yoga practice. Truth be told, I hardly ever get to actually do any yoga in class because Thea generally requires my attention. Instead, I think it's about actually making it out of the house - on time - and going to a space where I am surrounded by other new mothers, all trying to find a few moments of self-focused calm among the cries and chaos. It reminds me that we're all bumbling through this together.

So, we'll try again next week. And if we don't make it, I'll try not to shout.

quiet

self-portrait [ without touch-up ]

I know - it's been quiet around here.

Partly, it's because we've been under the weather [ again ]. The fact that Thea has again been fighting sleep has also contributed. And , I've been busy cooking up new ideas for my jewelry business. But mostly, I haven't written because I've been too busy giving myself a hard time. I've even begun two or three posts about all of the thoughts rolling around in my head, but I'm never able to finish them, and that just frustrates me even more.

Lately, I've been struggling with deep feelings of inadequacy. I keep wondering when I'll feel like I have it together. Right now, I feel like pretty much all I can manage each day is mothering my little girl. And truly, this feels absolutely right. It's just that I just can't seem to help but feel like I'm falling short - as a friend, as a daughter, as a housekeeper, as a board member, as an artist, as a writer.

But, for the past couple of days, I've really tried to quiet my mind. I've tried to be more kind to myself. I've tried to stop comparing myself to those other mothers. You know, the ones who run a business from home while taking care of their two (or three!) children. The same ones who do that while organizing play dates, cooking nutritious meals for their families, dropping off a home-cooked meal for their friend with the new(er) baby and exercising most every day.

These days, I'm more aware of the negative chatter in my head. And this has been really helpful in redirecting myself. Mostly, I've been coming back to gratitude, consciously focusing on all of the big and small things that bring brightness into my life. I'm now also trying to affirm what I feel like I can offer instead of getting stuck in the places where I feel I'm lacking.

I'm learning that when I find myself slipping into these dark places, that I must fight against my instincts to withdraw and instead seek connection. These days, that means reaching out to fellow mamas. Just last week, a mama friend gently reminded me that I'm still in the infancy of my mothering experience - that five months of taking care of a wee one is really just a small amount of time. Another wise mama urged me to practice taking baby steps towards my goals instead of trying to manage it all in at once. This week, I took Thea to the grocery store alone for the first time. It feels silly to say that until this week, I hadn't felt like this was possible. I picked up vegetables to make salads for the rest of the week - that was all. It was something so small, but to me, it felt big. And now I know I can do that, and I can try something else. Baby steps.

It also helps that I keep stumbling across little bits of wisdom like this. And then I remember that it's okay to be right here. Because that's the only place I can be. I can only be who I am, where I am. 

What helps you to find your center?