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« quiet | Main | pinwheels for peace »

September 11, 2008



im so sorry! i've had days just like what you described! i always think that just once id like things to go as i have planned in my head. that hardly ever happems, esp with a newborn! sorry i wont be at yoga next time to stand in the back with you and rock our babies!


I have been where you were . . . many, many times. And I've wondered the same thing: where did it come from, as I'm not an angry person. I think it all comes from that small space inside that has been closed up for the time being, while we try to be good and strong and brave and loving - all day long. It's not easy being all those things to ourselves; it's even more challenging to be all those things (and more!) to a little human being that knows nothing else.

When these ugly moments sneak out, I find it best to let it be what it will be, then reprimand it for being so ugly and then tell it to be a little kinder the next time it decides to sneak out.

We all feel anger. I hope to learn to deal with my anger in less volatile ways, in ways that I hope my daughter will learn as she grows older (when the tantrums start would be a good time to start those lessons).

And while it was an ugly moment (for just that: a moment), it can be healing to sit and chuckle at all the colorful words we used!


I'm glad to "hear" your voice mama! Shit, I don't have kids yet, and I still find myself at that brink pretty often. I wonder how I'll really fare when this baby gets here?!

I think your exercise of being kinder to yourself is the best path to follow. The fact is, those mothers who seem to be doing everything probably still go to bed each night thinking they were inadequate that day. Somehow, we are never enough for ourselves, no matter who we are or how much we do. I think of that often when I look longingly at a certain picture of myself from a few years ago when I was *much* thinner. But when I remember how I was feeling at the time, I still thought I was heavy. Then and now, I should feel content with what *is*. Wonder why that is so hard?!

All that said, I admire you and your ability to be honest and open with yourself, and all of us around you. I love you, friend!


aw. I know exactly how you felt. getting out the door and managing to do it on time and coordinating the full belly/diaper change/breast leaking and all those things is really really hard. I actually meant to type one "really" and my fingers just kept going. so apparently in my subconscious that 2nd "really" was order to emphasize that its normal to find all of that so challenging. Its normal. normal normal normal. and it takes alot of practice. and it gets easier as they get a little older. really.

its OK. I know you're probably as mad at yourself as anything else but its OK. I find the fact that someone else occasionally swears at their dog comforting. If my dogs could talk, in fact, they'd all know the f-word. they'd probably use it instead of "woof".

I love your blog.

someday you will make it to yoga and many many other things. you are doing great to even WANT to go to yoga, in my opinion.


Some days I worry that my little one is going to decipher my mumblings and that gddmmit is going to be her most decipherable utterance in public.
This is the crazyness of motherhood I totally underestimated--the sheer difficulty of getting out the door. (And staying out--inevitably just when I pride myself on being on the other side, I realize I've forgotten something essential--the blanket, the milk, the baby (just kidding on that last count. But some days...) Here, the dog *inevitably* does something terrible or refuses to cooperate exactly at those times when all the other best-laid plans are unravelling.
I actually got to a work meeting on time the other day, and it was everything I could do not to stand up, announce it, and make all my colleagues pat me on the back for such a remarkable occurrence.
So yes, be kind and gentle with yourself. A sense of humor about all this hullabaloo of prepping and getting two creatures out into the day is exactly the right dose of care for yourself.


You are totally allowed an outburst every now and then. I have several each week... And they're often aimed at my pets! Hope to see you this week


om shanti, f'ing om!


I can totally relate-- to that story-- I think part of having a little one-- is learning to let go-- of our ideas of how or when things should happen---


Thank you for presenting a glimpse of the reality of surviving after having a baby. I need to remember that it isn't all peace and contentment. Good luck with getting out and keeping to schedules when you have them.

Crista (aka Momma Bee)

Oh yes, we all have days like that. I would guess you need to be easier on yourself!

I am soooo behind on all things bloggy. My life has been turned upside down, but just came by to check in on you since it had been a while. Thea is so incredibly gorgeous and adorable, as you know. :)

Just friended you on flickr too, if you're wondering who that new contact request is from!


I hear you, Nikole. Sorry you didn't get to be with the other Mom's & baby's - being in community can be so comforting. You will have a great "have you ever had a morning like this" story for next week, though.

I Love the response om shanti, f'ing om.

Karen Maezen Miller

Oh my dear. I'm so late to the party on this one. But we all could use a little more Doggie Zen. I know I could!

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