Over the past two weeks, I seem to have settled into a place of deep peace. It's a little bit of a surprise to find myself here. Since Thea's birth, I've felt quite happy and content. However, I've also found myself feeling more than a little lost, with doubts weighing down my heart.
But now, for the most part, I feel different: I feel calm, settled, and centered. I feel like I'm more in touch with my intuition. I feel like I'm getting a hang of this mothering thing. And by that, I mean that I am settling into the constant readjustment that it requires. I'm getting used to the surprises and the shifts - sometimes subtle and sometimes drastic - that make each day an adventure. I feel more confident in my own style of parenting. And most importantly, each day, I feel such immense gratitude for all of the blessings in my life - my daughter, my husband, my family, my friends, health, nourishment, and a thousand other things. I am so thankful to spend my days with my daughter, watching her change and grow with each passing moment. Returning to gratitude has been such an amazing practice for me. I am still shocked that something so simple can be so powerful for me.
It feels natural to find myself here as the seasons shift. The other day, I was out with Thea on our morning walk, and I realized how grateful I was for the change in weather - for the break in the heat, for the crispness of the air, for the subtle changes in the landscape around me. I was aware of how lately, I've been welcoming change in all parts of my life. I've become aware that it doesn't scare me quite so much anymore. I'm coming to realize that the only thing that seems certain is change, so I'm trying to figure out how to go through it while keeping my heart open, to learn to let go of the need to feel in control, to see change as an opportunity for growth. I am learning to be more kind to myself, to embrace my imperfection, to welcome the mistakes and the fumbles and the learning that comes along with them. I'm feeling more and more okay just being me.
I don't want to overly romanticize things, or make it seem like I'm floating along in a happy daze. I've continued to struggle with finding balance and making time for self-care. I haven't had more than 4 consecutive hours of sleep in over 5 months, and some days, I'm tired down to my bones. The economic situation and political circus happening right now have given me more than a few headaches. And I've certainly had my moments. But now, it feels easier to let go, to surrender, to simply be in the moment I find myself in. And that feels really, really good.