sunrise over the bay
It is difficult to know where to begin. So much has changed over the past few months, and many of those changes are happening in the deepest parts of my self. There is so much that I want to share, but also a great deal that I feel I must continue to hold close to my heart.
The short version of the story is this:
Many months ago, my milk supply declined. For a number of reasons, but mostly because of Thea's allergies, I was feeling fairly desperate to provide her with more milk. After trying everything else, I began taking a medication to increase my supply. A few months into taking the medication, I started to feel noticeably depressed. I cried all the time. I felt hopeless. I was miserable.
I started to suspect that the medicine was contributing to my deepening depression. After discussing this with the prescribing physician, we decided that I should wean myself off of the medication. As I decreased my dose, my anxiety began to mount. Within 36 hours of taking the last pill, my body was in rebellion and I was thrown into an extreme state of anxiety and panic. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. Really, I could barely function. It was a bad space.
I expected that as the medication cleared from my system, I would begin to feel better. Yet, I continued to feel worse and worse. All I could think about was how to get through the next moment. I could barely take care of Thea. I wasn't sure how I would get through that time. It was the worst thing I have ever felt - an even more difficult space in which to exist than anything I experienced on my journey to become a mother.
Not knowing where else to turn, I went to see my OB. She suspected that being on and then stopping the medication had thrown my hormones into a tailspin and what I was experiencing was clearly a chemical imbalance resulting in "classic post-partum depression." After a good bit of discussion, I decided to try another medication to see if it helped level things out. And while things got much worse before they got better, they did improve.
So now, I'm trying to regain my footing. I'm trying to take really good care of myself. I'm trying to work through the underlying issues that were - and still are - lurking below that chemical imbalance.
I'm also in the process of sorting through what this space will be for me as I continue to try and find my way. It is my intention to begin writing again on a more regular basis, though, as I said, right now I am wading through some strong emotional currents, and I'm not sure what exactly this will look like.
Thank you for reading, and for witnessing my journey.