emerging from the shadows

 

sunrise over the bay

It is difficult to know where to begin. So much has changed over the past few months, and many of those changes are happening in the deepest parts of my self. There is so much that I want to share, but also a great deal that I feel I must continue to hold close to my heart.

The short version of the story is this:

Many months ago, my milk supply declined. For a number of reasons, but mostly because of Thea's allergies, I was feeling fairly desperate to provide her with more milk. After trying everything else, I began taking a medication to increase my supply. A few months into taking the medication, I started to feel noticeably depressed. I cried all the time. I felt hopeless. I was miserable.

I started to suspect that the medicine was contributing to my deepening depression. After discussing this with the prescribing physician, we decided that I should wean myself off of the medication. As I decreased my dose, my anxiety began to mount. Within 36 hours of taking the last pill, my body was in rebellion and I was thrown into an extreme state of anxiety and panic. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. Really, I could barely function. It was a bad space.

I expected that as the medication cleared from my system, I would begin to feel better. Yet, I continued to feel worse and worse. All I could think about was how to get through the next moment. I could barely take care of Thea. I wasn't sure how I would get through that time. It was the worst thing I have ever felt - an even more difficult space in which to exist than anything I experienced on my journey to become a mother.

Not knowing where else to turn, I went to see my OB. She suspected that being on and then stopping the medication had thrown my hormones into a tailspin and what I was experiencing was clearly a chemical imbalance resulting in "classic post-partum depression." After a good bit of discussion, I decided to try another medication to see if it helped level things out. And while things got much worse before they got better, they did improve.

So now, I'm trying to regain my footing. I'm trying to take really good care of myself. I'm trying to work through the underlying issues that were - and still are - lurking below that chemical imbalance.

I'm also in the process of sorting through what this space will be for me as I continue to try and find my way. It is my intention to begin writing again on a more regular basis, though, as I said, right now I am wading through some strong emotional currents, and I'm not sure what exactly this will look like. 

Thank you for reading, and for witnessing my journey.

Comments

[Kate]

Thank you for sharing that with us Nicole. I have felt these feelings too in the past. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I have no advice or anything to offer you other than someone who understands. Kate

[Tanya]

Thanks for sharing, Nikole. You don't have to do it, truly, but your honesty and insight inspires me to live my life in a more open and giving way. I have no advice, too, but I am sending you good thoughts on this journey ... and fewer bumps in the road (for goodness sake!). If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you have to be one of the strongest people out there. You are doing your best, always, and Thea is so very lucky to have you for a mom!

[Cheryl]

Oh Nikole, what an ordeal you have been through...bodily and emotionally. Am so sorry to have been absent when perhaps you could have used an ear.

Glad to hear you are emerging...what a delicate balance we are as beings...here's hoping the lows will be relenting to well-deserved highs.

Peace and love.

[Megan]

Nikole! Thank you for sharing this; I am so happy you have found help and are working toward peace again. I'm going through a similar sort of issue and talking to a therapist has been really helpful in addition to medication. My thoughts are with you! Many hugs!

[lydia]

Just wanted to send some love... hang in there, Nikole!

[serenity]

*hug* I've been thinking of you, and wondering how you were doing.

This space will ALWAYS be your own, and whatever you want to share with us, we're here to listen. And cheer you on.

Hugs and love. I'm happy to hear that you're focused on taking care of yourself.

xxx

[Kate]

*hug* Much love and hugs to you Nikole. I also have PPD soI understand how you are feeling.

Kate

[Kristin]

Hi Nikole - Reading your post reminded me of one of my favorite Anne Lamott quotes from her book Traveling Mercies. She's talking about grief, but I think it holds true for any strong emotions/challenges we face.

"The depth of feeling continued to surprise and threaten me, but each time it hit again and I bore it . . . I would discover that it hadn't washed me away."

The rest of the passage is beautiful, but I had this one posted on my wall during much of my postpartum period. Even throughout the strongest currents, we continue to move forward, loving those around us and doing the best we can with what's available to us in any given moment.

You're a wonderfully courageous woman. xo Kristin

[sharon]

Bless your heart nikole, so sorry to hear things have been so rough. You continue to be a wonderful mother and will tredge through this, guided by the love for your daughter and family. Thank you for your honesty and commitment. peace-Sharon

[Emily]

Hi Nikole,

Thanks for sharing your story. You're a brave woman. Anxiety is a real pain; I've had my share of struggles with it, too. I eventually got to the point where I had to intellectually detach my anxiety from my emotions, and attempt to view my anxiety like I would a toothache or a broken bone. The anxiety was a physical problem, not an emotional problem, caused by some kind of inner hormonal imbalance (I have super-sensitive hormones), but the anxiety wasn't "me." I wasn't defined by my anxiety, any more than a cancer patient is not defined by her cancer. While that didn't necessarily make my anxiety any less, it did make me view it differently, thus making it emotionally easier to handle, even when my anxiety-fueled emotions were all over the place.

All that said, anxiety really is a royal pain, and I'm glad you're finding ways to cope. When my anxiety was at its worst, I was so grateful for my daughter (even while I felt guilty for being so anxious and not giving her as much attention as I wanted to). She gave me something else to think about, and her needs and her laughter gave me a reprieve from the intensity of my anxiety, even if the reprieve was only momentary. I hope being with Thea is a similar salve for your anxious soul.

I don't know how long your anxiety will last, Nikole, but it won't last forever. I hope you start really feeling better soon. God bless you!

~ Emily

[docgrumbles]

wishing you strength

[Kelly]

you're the best, Nikole. Your honesty is so beautiful. I have been in some ugly places inside myself so I truly hope you get to catch your breath soon...you have been through so much.
love ya!

[suzanne]

may you find rest and recovery, balance and strength, good spaces and places for your heart to heal. know that we are lifting up good thoughts, sending you good energy, and hoping for the better days ahead. the sun will shine through the darker days.

peace.