clearframe

sunny days

Lately, we've had a number of cold and rainy days. As soon as the clouds break, we open the front door to let in some sunshine and warmth. It doesn't take long before Thea starts pointing at the door saying, "Chalk! Out-side!" So, outside we go.

 

She loves carrying the chalk bucket, dumping out all of the chalk, and gathering as many of the chalk crayons in her hands as she can possibly carry. She is thrilled that she can make marks with the chalk.

 
Of course, often the best part is trying to sneak bites of the crayons while mama glances away.

How do you begin to explore creativity with your children?

summer staple.

When I tell people about Thea's long list of food allergies, the question, "So, what DO you eat?" is usually soon to follow. Since I'm still nursing Thea, my diet also has to exclude her trigger foods. It's made mealtime a bit more challenging.

(In case you're wondering, the list of foods to avoid includes the following: beef, chicken, turkey, apples, coconut, pears, strawberries, grapes, blueberries, pecans, oats, rice, crab, fish, shrimp, milk, black pepper, lima beans, broccoli, carrots, cauliflower, celery, spinach, and sweet potato. In addition, we've also had to eliminate soy, and we're currently doing a challenge to see if she has outgrown the egg allergy she had when she was younger.).

One of our summer staples has been a yummy salad made with quinoa, black beans, corn, and cherry tomatoes. I usually whip up a batch each weekend and we eat it throughout the week.

quinoa salad with black beans, corn, and cherry tomatoes

Here's the recipe:

(or at least as much of a recipe as I can offer - except for the quinoa and broth, I really just whip this up without measuring much of anything)

1 cup quinoa (rinsed)
2 cups broth (chicken or vegetable)**
black beans to your liking (I usually use about 3/4 of a 15 oz can)
2 ears corn
cherry tomatoes to your liking (I love the yellow sungold tomatoes in this recipe, they are soo sweet and yummy)
juice from 1 lime
couple tablespoons olive oil
1 TBS (or so) honey

Cook the quinoa (bring to a boil then simmer for 15-20 minutes or so - until all the liquid is absorbed and the ring around the center of the grain is visible). Let the quinoa cool down before mixing everything together. Cook the corn and then cut it off the cob. Mix the lime juice, oil, and honey. Mix the quinoa, corn, and beans. Add the dressing, mixing thoroughly. I mix in the tomatoes last so they don't get too beaten up.

**Since celery and carrots must be avoided, I now make this just using water - a slightly different taste, but just as yummy.

So there you have it - I thought I better share the recipe while there are still tomatoes for sale at the farmer's market.

I absolutely love quinoa - and I have many more recipes to share using this super-healthy grain. I'd also love to hear your favorite quinoa recipes. So, do tell...

write now.

It feels a bit awkward to begin again after being quiet for so long. But I'm working on making space for writing because it is so good for my soul.

Life has been such a whirlwind. Mostly, I spend my days chasing after Thea and being amazed at how much she grows and changes each day. Watching her self emerge and observing her and supporting her as she learns to navigate the world is such a gift. I am so grateful to spend my days seeing it all unfold. I used to just nod and smile when people would say something about their child being their greatest teacher. But now I completely get it. Each day, she shows me ways that I can grow - how I can be more patient and kinder and more understanding and less focused on myself. And I am learning so much about how the way that I was raised and how my relationships with my parents created the person I am today.

In addition to the business of mothering, I've also been thinking a whole lot about food. This is partly because after 16 months of subsisting primarily on cereal, I'm trying to get myself back into my healthy ways of eating. But mostly, it's because sorting out Thea's food allergies has been pretty consuming. Since she was a few weeks old, we've struggled with feeding her. First it meant altering my diet. Now it means continuing to tweak my diet and experimenting with foods to find out what she will tolerate. We finally had her tested last week and it turns out she is allergic to nearly everything she had been eating. So now, we pretty much have a vegan baby who is also allergic to rice, oats, and a good number of fruits and vegetables. And if that wasn't challenging enough, I recently started eating a gluten free diet. All this means that we're going to be getting a lot more creative in the kitchen.

So, there you have it - a little hello - a small step towards easing back into this space. I'll be back soon.

emerging from the shadows

 

sunrise over the bay

It is difficult to know where to begin. So much has changed over the past few months, and many of those changes are happening in the deepest parts of my self. There is so much that I want to share, but also a great deal that I feel I must continue to hold close to my heart.

The short version of the story is this:

Many months ago, my milk supply declined. For a number of reasons, but mostly because of Thea's allergies, I was feeling fairly desperate to provide her with more milk. After trying everything else, I began taking a medication to increase my supply. A few months into taking the medication, I started to feel noticeably depressed. I cried all the time. I felt hopeless. I was miserable.

I started to suspect that the medicine was contributing to my deepening depression. After discussing this with the prescribing physician, we decided that I should wean myself off of the medication. As I decreased my dose, my anxiety began to mount. Within 36 hours of taking the last pill, my body was in rebellion and I was thrown into an extreme state of anxiety and panic. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. Really, I could barely function. It was a bad space.

I expected that as the medication cleared from my system, I would begin to feel better. Yet, I continued to feel worse and worse. All I could think about was how to get through the next moment. I could barely take care of Thea. I wasn't sure how I would get through that time. It was the worst thing I have ever felt - an even more difficult space in which to exist than anything I experienced on my journey to become a mother.

Not knowing where else to turn, I went to see my OB. She suspected that being on and then stopping the medication had thrown my hormones into a tailspin and what I was experiencing was clearly a chemical imbalance resulting in "classic post-partum depression." After a good bit of discussion, I decided to try another medication to see if it helped level things out. And while things got much worse before they got better, they did improve.

So now, I'm trying to regain my footing. I'm trying to take really good care of myself. I'm trying to work through the underlying issues that were - and still are - lurking below that chemical imbalance.

I'm also in the process of sorting through what this space will be for me as I continue to try and find my way. It is my intention to begin writing again on a more regular basis, though, as I said, right now I am wading through some strong emotional currents, and I'm not sure what exactly this will look like. 

Thank you for reading, and for witnessing my journey.

occupied.

lunchtime during a visit with Thea's cousin Baker

Lately, it seems that Thea and I are growing a tad bored with our usual routine of hanging out around the house. Inspired by my sister-in-law, I came up with a list of things to keep us occupied. The first part of the list is an effort to get us out of the house a bit more. And then I stretched my brain to come up with more creative things to do while we at home. A few of these are ideas I've heard about from other mamas, and a few are ideas I've read about in other places (but can't remember where). Anyhow, I thought I'd share...

Visit the Children's Garden at Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens.

Take a walk and let baby feel the grass, leaves, and flowers.

Go to a playground and let baby watch the other kids play. Put baby in a front carrier and swing on the swings. Hold baby and go down the slides.

Visit Maymont to let baby see all of the plants and animals.

Sign baby up for a class at The Little Gym .

Go to story time at the local library or book store.

Take a mom-n-baby yoga class.

Go to the hardware store and let baby practice opening and closing different types of drawers and cabinets (and then make sure the drawers and cabinets at home are secure!)

Join or start a play group.

Read books that feature animal noises. Do your best to imitate the noises as the animal would actually make them.

Make some inexpensive new toys for baby, like a ring with ribbons (thanks, Dale!)

Sing silly songs - favorites in our household are pat-a-cake; head, shoulders, knees, and toes; and Miss Mary Mack.

Play peek-a-boo.

Make musical instruments for baby to play with. Fill plastic containers with dried beans, rice, or other kitchen items that make an array of different sounds.

Play with silky and gauzy scarves. Let baby feel a variety of textures.

Put on your favorite music and dance with baby.

Blow bubbles.

Play peek-a-boo.

GIve baby a thorough tour of the house, showing her things in each room and telling her their significance.

Interact with baby in front of a mirror.

Set up pillows or cushions in the floor so baby can practice crawling on an "obstacle course." Let baby climb all over you.

Find some big empty boxes and let baby explore.

Keep toys in rotation so there are always "new" ones for baby to play with.

Read books.

Let baby play with pots and pans or metal bowls and wooden spoons.

Try some simple arts and crafts on a splat mat or someplace else that is easy to clean up.

Talk to baby as you do daily chores like laundry or dishes. Tell baby everything you are doing step by step.

Take a bath together.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  . 

What am I missing? What did you do to keep your pre-toddler entertained when they were sort of crawling and pulling up, but not quite walking?

And also, I'm curious - were there stages of mothering your young child/ren that were more challenging for you than others?

lessons.

clouds above the treetops

This morning, I had a moment (or ten) when I was overcome with impatience.  Shortly thereafter, I started being quite unkind to myself for feeling this way.

And then I remembered that every moment is an opportunity to start anew. I remembered that I am not defined by my emotions. I remembered that how I felt five minutes ago is not how I have to feel right now.

What lessons are offering themselves to you today?

advice to a new mother

I'm having a bit of trouble locating the cord that transfers photos from the camera to the laptop. Because show + tell isn't much fun without the showing, I'll be back to share as soon as I can. For now, I'll leave you with another post I've been working on.

 

Thea in the NICU, days after her birth

In the months since Thea's birth, many of my friends expecting their own little ones have asked me for advice or words of wisdom. I must admit, this always makes me laugh just a little bit, mostly because since Thea's birth, I've been really, really careful to not give parenting advice. The exception is if I'm asked how we've handled a specific issue, and even then, I try really, really hard to be clear that this is only what has worked for our family, and that I don't at all think that it is the way that things should be done for everyone. Because this is what I do know for sure: Every baby is different. Every mama is different. Every family is different. What I'm finding out is that there isn't only one way to do things. What makes sense for one child and his or her parents may or may not be the answer for our family. I'm learning that we just have to keep trying different ways of approaching a situation until we find something that works for the three of us.

{Another reason this advice asking is so humorous to me is because the advice thing - particularly other people offering unsolicited advice - is something that I have really struggled with since becoming a mama.** If I'm feeling really, really brave, I might write more about that later.}

But for now, I'm offering up the affirmations that I repeat to myself over and over. These are the words that help me regain balance and reconnect with my inner guide.

follow your instincts...trust yourself...listen to your heart (and your head!)...be gentle with yourself...you are both learning and getting to know each other...it's okay to not know what you're doing...don't compare yourself or your baby to others...if necessary, read this a dozen times a day (or more!)...ask for help...accept help...lower the expectations you place on yourself...don't be hard on yourself when things don't work out the way you had expected them to...remember that your expectations for yourself are most likely much higher than those that others have for you...it's okay to sometimes (or a good bit of the time) feel sad and overwhelmed and frustrated and completely out of control...read "the books" (or not!) and pick out the pieces that feel right to you - and throw out the ones that don't resonate with you...rest whenever you can...find little pockets of time do do something that fills up your soul...be flexible...remember that everything is a phase...

You are stronger than you think. Really, you are.

What words of wisdom would you share with soon-to-be or new mamas (and/or dads)?

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

**edited to add: the advice I'm talking about is not the exchange of information I've shared with other mamas - that has been so, so helpfulf for me, and I am incredibly grateful to have benefited from the wisdom and experience of those who have journeyed before me (or who are walking this path right along beside me)

feeling grateful { and an update }

Hello there!

Despite the quietness of this space, I'm still here.

We've had a rough couple of weeks. Or, I should say, I have had a rough couple of weeks.  While I'll spare you all of the details, I will say that nearly 8 months of getting between 2-5 hours of sleep at night has taken a toll on me. That on top of a rough physical transition into motherhood, a baby in the NICU, a diagnosis, a health scare, a baby with food allergies and reflux, a modified diet for the baby's allergies, my husband losing his job, and a baby that didn't know how to sleep unless she was being cradled. Whew. I'm exhausted just typing all of that. Last week, I hit an emotional and physical wall. I felt like I was drowning.

But, things are looking up. I managed about 6 hours of sleep last night, and I feel halfway human again. Thea and I are both out of our pajamas today. The blinds have been opened. And I've managed to eat breakfast and lunch. A good day indeed. I'm feeling a bit more relaxed in the messiness of my life.

And despite the shaky ground I've been standing on, I am overwhelmed with things to be grateful for:

I am grateful for my daughter and all of the magic, hope, and purpose she brings to my life.

I am grateful for my husband being my partner on this parenting journey.

I am grateful for snowflakes and scarves.

I am grateful for facebook. {and I can hardly believe I just typed that!}

I am grateful for sleep.

I am grateful for friends who have been there sharing their wisdom and support.

I am grateful for my mama.

I am grateful for all of the kindness I've felt since sharing some pictures of the jewelry projects I've been working on. Thank you so much.

 

another gift for a dear friend

{Because I've been getting quite a few inquiries, I've decided to list a few items in my etsy shop - the hope pendant necklace, large and small initial necklaces, and the style of pendant pictured above. I plan to have all the listings up by tomorrow. I am hoping to get back to work on a more regular basis after the new year arrives. I've got lots of ideas for brand new things, and I can hardly wait to start playing with my new kiln. Eek!}

What are you feeling grateful for today?

shift

self-portrait, September 2008

Over the past two weeks, I seem to have settled into a place of deep peace.  It's a little bit of a surprise to find myself here. Since Thea's birth, I've felt quite happy and content. However, I've also found myself feeling more than a little lost, with doubts weighing down my heart.

But now, for the most part, I feel different: I feel calm, settled, and centered. I feel like I'm more in touch with my intuition. I feel like I'm getting a hang of this mothering thing. And by that, I mean that I am settling into the constant readjustment that it requires. I'm getting used to the surprises and the shifts - sometimes subtle and sometimes drastic - that make each day an adventure. I feel more confident in my own style of parenting. And most importantly, each day, I feel such immense gratitude for all of the blessings in my life - my daughter, my husband, my family, my friends, health, nourishment, and a thousand other things. I am so thankful to spend my days with my daughter, watching her change and grow with each passing moment. Returning to gratitude has been such an amazing practice for me. I am still shocked that something so simple can be so powerful for me.

It feels natural to find myself here as the seasons shift. The other day, I was out with Thea on our morning walk, and I realized how grateful I was for the change in weather - for the break in the heat, for the crispness of the air, for the subtle changes in the landscape around me. I was aware of how lately, I've been welcoming change in all parts of my life. I've become aware that it doesn't scare me quite so much anymore. I'm coming to realize that the only thing that seems certain is change, so I'm trying to figure out how to go through it while keeping my heart open, to learn to let go of the need to feel in control, to see change as an opportunity for growth. I am learning to be more kind to myself, to embrace my imperfection, to welcome the mistakes and the fumbles and the learning that comes along with them. I'm feeling more and more okay just being me.

I don't want to overly romanticize things, or make it seem like I'm floating along in a happy daze. I've continued to struggle with finding balance and making time for self-care. I haven't had more than 4 consecutive hours of sleep in over 5 months, and some days, I'm tired down to my bones. The economic situation and political circus happening right now have given me more than a few headaches. And I've certainly had my moments. But now, it feels easier to let go, to surrender, to simply be in the moment I find myself in. And that feels really, really good.

om

I had a bit of a meltdown this morning.

I was on my way to my Thursday morning mom & baby yoga class. It was the first time that everything had fallen into place just so - Thea had actually taken a nap, the diaper bag was packed with blankets and toys, we were both dressed, and her belly was full. I had even managed to pack a lunch so that I could attend the moms' group that is held right after class. I was feeling good.

I let Rilo-dog out to take care of business while I got Thea situated in her carseat. I returned to the back door and opened it, calling her name. I didn't see her anywhere. I called again, and shook her box of cookies to get her attention. She came bounding around the side of the house with a dirt-caked bone clutched in her jaws.

I spent the next twenty minutes trying to convince her to drop the bone and come into the house. I tried calling her, bribing her, chasing her and giving her the evil eye. I even tried growling. I was getting angry. Really angry. In fact, it felt as if my head might explode. I finally lost it and shouted, "G*damm!t, Rilo, all I want is to go to my f&!#ing yoga class!"

Because I clearly needed it.

 I then went inside and cried and hung my head in shame at my outburst. It's really not like me to get so angry.

I finally got Rilo in the house and into her crate. It was too late to attend class, but I decided to put Thea in the car and drive for a few minutes, hoping to clear my head.

Then I came home and sat quietly while holding my girl in my lap. I did a little meditation, extending lovingkindness first to Rilo and then to myself. Rilo then came and laid down beside me, rolling on to her back. I couldn't help but rub her furry little belly.

It is all a bit humorous now. I hope I at least gave the neighbors a good chuckle.

Still, I've been thinking a bit about why I became so angry. Surely, it wasn't about missing my yoga practice. Truth be told, I hardly ever get to actually do any yoga in class because Thea generally requires my attention. Instead, I think it's about actually making it out of the house - on time - and going to a space where I am surrounded by other new mothers, all trying to find a few moments of self-focused calm among the cries and chaos. It reminds me that we're all bumbling through this together.

So, we'll try again next week. And if we don't make it, I'll try not to shout.