I had a bit of a meltdown this morning.
I was on my way to my Thursday morning mom & baby yoga class. It was the first time that everything had fallen into place just so - Thea had actually taken a nap, the diaper bag was packed with blankets and toys, we were both dressed, and her belly was full. I had even managed to pack a lunch so that I could attend the moms' group that is held right after class. I was feeling good.
I let Rilo-dog out to take care of business while I got Thea situated in her carseat. I returned to the back door and opened it, calling her name. I didn't see her anywhere. I called again, and shook her box of cookies to get her attention. She came bounding around the side of the house with a dirt-caked bone clutched in her jaws.
I spent the next twenty minutes trying to convince her to drop the bone and come into the house. I tried calling her, bribing her, chasing her and giving her the evil eye. I even tried growling. I was getting angry. Really angry. In fact, it felt as if my head might explode. I finally lost it and shouted, "G*damm!t, Rilo, all I want is to go to my f&!#ing yoga class!"
Because I clearly needed it.
I then went inside and cried and hung my head in shame at my outburst. It's really not like me to get so angry.
I finally got Rilo in the house and into her crate. It was too late to attend class, but I decided to put Thea in the car and drive for a few minutes, hoping to clear my head.
Then I came home and sat quietly while holding my girl in my lap. I did a little meditation, extending lovingkindness first to Rilo and then to myself. Rilo then came and laid down beside me, rolling on to her back. I couldn't help but rub her furry little belly.
It is all a bit humorous now. I hope I at least gave the neighbors a good chuckle.
Still, I've been thinking a bit about why I became so angry. Surely, it wasn't about missing my yoga practice. Truth be told, I hardly ever get to actually do any yoga in class because Thea generally requires my attention. Instead, I think it's about actually making it out of the house - on time - and going to a space where I am surrounded by other new mothers, all trying to find a few moments of self-focused calm among the cries and chaos. It reminds me that we're all bumbling through this together.
So, we'll try again next week. And if we don't make it, I'll try not to shout.