My head is swirling, filled with so many things - the portfolio project - what it is evolving into for me and what it is teaching me about myself - and all of the insights I'm gaining into my life simply by choosing to be more aware as I walk through my days.
Lately, I feel like I've been getting stuck in the logistics of actually making this project happen. The first week almost felt easy. It seemed that I had plenty of time to write - both in this space and in my personal journal. I was a bit amazed at the ease of how it was coming together. And even though I hadn't been able to work on my new ideas for my jewelry, I had some time scheduled to make that happen.
And then, it all seemed to fall apart.
That time I had scheduled for play was somehow eaten up by other jewelry projects I had committed to. Thea started cutting 4 teeth at once and, at the same time, had an icky reaction to a new food we had introduced. Her sleep started to become inconsistent once again, and the time I had planned to work on my writing and jewelry was suddenly needed for the simple act of rest. And the dog. Don't even get me started about how surely the dog has been plotting to drive me mad. Then there's the reality of my husband working so hard to launch his new business and the flexibility of schedule it requires. And of course, there are always the everyday things like laundry, diapers, tidying, preparing food and actually sitting down to eat. I started to think that I was crazy for taking on this project with a little baby, with nursing, and the challenges we have faced and with so little rest anyway.
But enough about that. I really don't want to spend too much time writing about those kinds of obstacles. You see, I have been so utterly and completely amazed at what I have been learning about myself in the couple of short weeks since starting this project. And, it is becoming quite clear that those logistical hiccups are really only a small part of what stalls my movement. What I'm learning - most of all - is that my biggest struggles are not limited to one part of my life or another (of course!) - that they are always there, manifesting themselves in various disguises so that I won't recognize them. It is becoming so clear that the fears that follow me around are present all of the time - whether it is in my creative work, my mothering, my relationship with my husband, my family or my friends. They are sneaky, those fears.
{In an attempt to keep this post somewhat short of a novel, and because I just want to have something about what I am experiencing posted, I'm going to try to break it down and write about the specifics of what I am learning and the fears I am uncovering in a few posts throughout the next week.}
But I will say this. Each day of this project has been a practice in being kinder to myself. So many things are bubbling to the surface, and I am seeing myself more clearly than I have in a long, long time. It feels similar to when I was working with my life coach, preparing to leave my full-time job and leap into the unknown. Except now, I am feeling much more compassion for myself - I am feeling much more accepting of those vulnerable places in my heart.
There will be more to follow. I am even going to start working on another post right now.
For now, here are a few moments from my week:
Be well, friends. I hope you have a lovely (and warm!) weekend.
