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favorite things

We're a few months into raising our girl, so I thought I would share a few of my favorite things for baby and mama.

Moby wrap - This saved our sanity when Thea was in her "I'll scream if you put me down" phase around 8-10 weeks. This was my favorite wrap because it allowed me to wear her snuggled to my chest in an upright position, which she seemed to prefer. I tried other slings, but I felt like she was too bunched up and I was worried about her airway being constricted. Until the heat of a Virginia summer made it  too hot, I used the moby almost daily. And now that fall has brought cooler days, I'm back to wearing it just about every day.

Under the Nile organic cotton baby booties - These booties were the only things I could keep on Thea's feet. I'm sad that she's grown out of them now, because it's hard to keep socks on those little feet.

 Weleda calendula baby face cream - I use this daily. It worked well on the little bit of cradle cap that Thea had, and it also really helps with dry skin on her face and little scratches from her flailing hands.

Lansinoh nursing pads - These pads are the most absorbent and discreet that I have found. And believe me, I have tried a lot of brands (Medela and Gerber, among others). I tried to use washable cotton pads, and I leaked right through them.

LilyPadz - As a big leaker, for the first couple of months, these pad were essential to me because they stop the leaks instead of simply absorbing them. They're also the only breast pads that were completely unnoticeable under clothing.

Bravado original nursing bra - Every nursing mom has their favorite bra. This is mine. It's most like the bras I used to wear before things got extra large and extra heavy. This bra has fit well while accomodating my changing size - through engorgement, my milk regulating, and my post-baby weight loss.

Bumgenius 3.0 one-size cloth diapers - These diapers have worked so well for us. I love the fact that they will grow with Thea so I won't have to keep buying new expensive diapers as she grows. I also tried fuzzi bunz and feel like the Bumgenius fit her better and contain the mess pretty well. They're very easy to care for too. I really like using Blueberry hemp inserts for nights - they're very absorbent and I don't have to change her overnight unless she's made a big mess.

Miracle Blanket - This blanket is the only swaddle blanket that was able to contain our escape artist.

Babylegs - They are simply irresistibly cute.

Smithsonian Folkways Children's Music Collection - A friend of mine gave us this to welcome Thea, and it hardly leaves the CD player. It is a good mix of classics and songs I had never heard before. Tunes by Woody Guthrie, Ella Jenkins, and Pete Seeger are included, among others. My personal favorite is "Pole,  Pole."

Vicks Baby Thermometer - I loooove this thermometer. Using it, I have no worries about how far to insert the thermomter. And it reads the temperature super-fast too.

If I had to pick only two resources on mothering, I wouldn't choose the books on sleep or baby development or scheduling. Instead, I'd go for these:

Momma Zen by Karen Maezen Miller and

The Gift of Imperfect Parenting by Brene Brown

So, there you have it!

What are your favorite things?

sleeeeeep: the update

Thea and her dad - collapsed from exhaustion

Thank you so much for all of your suggestions. The sleep situation has gotten much better - except for a few nights (and days - like today ) - when it was much, much worse. Anyhow, here's the update:

The first - and probably most important - thing that has changed is my perspective. We have just about every sleep book everyone recommended except for the Ferber book. Over the past week, I read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. I think this book was most helpful for me in understanding how Thea's little brain is wired and what the normal sleep patterns are for a baby her age. One of the other things I took away from the book is that, since Thea arrived 4 weeks before her due date, I really need to consider her as being 2 1/2 months instead of 3 1/2 months when it comes to sleep. So, at this point, it seems pretty normal for her daytime sleep to be sporadic and short, and it seems that I should also expect for night sleep to regulate before daytime sleep. Then I can expect the morning nap to regulate, followed by the afternoon nap (or two).

Night sleep has actually been okay for a while (over a month) - where she consistently sleeps well throughout the night, only waking every 3-4 hours and falling back asleep quickly. [ And I gave up comparing her to other babies that are younger or her age that are sleeping through the night without nursing or eating. I'm perfectly fine to get up with her a few times a night to nurse if that's what she needs - I actually enjoy that quiet time with her. ] I think the problem was that we weren't putting her down early enough in the evening and I was letting her get overtired during the day. For a long time, as part of her biological rhythm, she was sleeping so much and so easily during the day and throughout the evening and then falling asleep for good at 10 or 11 pm. I think that over the past month or so, things had shifted, and she really needed to be put down much earlier, but we were missing that window early in the evening, and she was getting completely wound up and unable to fall asleep until late.

I also had it in my naive mind that she should be taking two good naps during the day, with longer periods of wakefulness. I think this is where I was really going wrong. So, for the past week, I've been watching her like a hawk starting about 30 minutes after she wakes up - either for the day or from a nap. Usually, after about 45 minutes, she is ready to nap again. If I start her nap routine then, she generally falls asleep pretty quickly. If I miss the window, we're in trouble. So, she is taking lots of short naps throughout the day - about 30 minutes to an hour - but usually around 45 minutes. I've been tracking her sleep, and her mornings seem to be falling into somewhat of a pattern, although her afternoons are still pretty sporadic.

To get her to fall asleep (and stay asleep), I swaddle her in the Miracle Blanket, turn the radio on static, sing her a little lullaby, and rock her until she falls asleep. I generally hold her for another 20 minutes or so until she is deeply asleep and then try to put her in her pack-n-play. I'd love for her to be able to fall asleep on her own, but I'm taking it one step at a time. Right now, she's either sleeping with us or in the pack-n-play. We hope to get her into her crib eventually. I've also tried to get her to fall asleep in the bouncy seat and the swing, but she's not having any part of that - too many things to look at!

 

Two things that are still a bit challenging are the fact that I seem to be the only one who can get her to fall asleep and that she won't fall asleep unless I do our routine - which right now involves me rocking her to sleep in a particular way. Both of these are okay right now (although it would have been really nice if John could have gotten her to sleep when I had an awful cold and fever last week). But, I'm a bit worried about how this is going to work out as she gets bigger and less portable. Anyhow, we'll cross that bridge later. I've tried to implement some of the suggestions from the No Cry Sleep Solutions, and I'll be revisiting the Baby Whisperer.

But, most importantly, I think I'm just okay with where things are. I've embraced hat this is what she needs right now, and I'm trying to give myself permission to lower my expectations for myself around all of the things that I somehow feel like I "should be" doing. I'll be sticking close to home, I won't have much time to post, I'll remain terribly behind on emails, and I may not finish those thank you notes until she's 6 months old [ I'm horrified to admit that I still have dozens of thank you notes to write ]. I can only do what I can do. And right now, the most important thing feels like making sure she's getting her rest.

Thank you again - what an amazing community and source of support you have been. I feel like I have my own little village helping us to raise our girl.

growth [ and a request ]

Thea at 3 1/2 months

At 3 1/2 months, our sweet girl is now up to 12 pounds, 6 ounces and measures in at 24 1/2 inches long. She's still in the 50th percentile for weight and the 90th percentile for height. She's learning lots of new tricks, including assisted standing and lifting her head up. We have entire conversations of baby babble, and Thea smiles and laughs the entire time. In fact, this these three things are what she wants to do pretty much all the time.

Yes, all the time. Instead of sleeping.

Over the past two weeks, her daytime sleep has pretty much disappeared. I'm not exactly sure what happened. She had been sleeping just fine, usually in her pack-n-play. I tried to start having her nap in her crib, and it went great for a few days. After a few minutes, she fell asleep easily, and slept soundly for several hours. And then, something clicked, and she has fought sleep wildly ever since.

At this point, both day and night, she will pretty much only sleep while being held. As soon as she is put down, she wakes up and won't settle back down again. I have been able to get her to fall asleep on her own, but she wakes herself up every 15 minutes or so. She doesn't want to be swaddled, but she still has this jerk reflex that kicks in every few minutes and wakes her up. She is addicted to her pacifier and freaks out when it falls out of her mouth. She's not satisfied sucking on her hand and can't seem to find her thumb very well. By the end of the day, her eyes are red, she's very irritable, and she is obviously over-stimulated and sleep deprived. And now it's even harder to get her to fall asleep at night - usually, she won't fall asleep until 10 or 11 pm. We tried tonight to get her to go down earlier (starting at 6:30 pm), with no success. She was so close to falling asleep, but fought it for three hours.

I want my girl to get the sleep she obviously needs so very badly, but I'm not sure what else to do. Although John is willing to try it, I can't bear to let her cry it out.

Any advice is welcomed. Please.

how does your garden grow?

gooseneck loosestrife growing in our garden

I have a garden in my backyard. The more time I spend in it, the more beautiful it becomes. Not because of the hard work, the weeding, cleaning, raking, the tasks and the sweat, but because I no longer view it as separate from me. From inside the garden, I no longer view it critically from arm's length as flawed, as less than perfect.

-From Momma Zen by Karen Maezen Miller

I am currently rereading (for the third time) Karen Maezen Miller’s book Momma Zen. One of the chapters – Tending Garden – is about the inevitable weathering of a relationship that occurs when partners become parents and the necessary work required to sustain the union. The analogy used in this chapter - comparing a marriage to a garden - immediately resonated with me.

Thirteen weeks after Thea's birth, I am witnessing changes in my own marriage. In so many ways, our relationship is deeper, richer, more complex. Traveling through my pregnancy together – and the three year journey that brought us to our daughter - wove our lives together tightly, and brought us new levels of trust, hope, understanding, and intimacy.

And yet, with a new person in our lives – a tiny girl for which we are entirely responsible - our relationship has changed. We are working to establish a rhythm that allows us to take care of each other as well as our daughter – to nurture not only our family, but also our individual passions and requirements for solitary space. And while these have been tough to balance, finding time and energy to cultivate our relationship as a couple has been even more challenging.

Since the night we were married, John and I have ended our days by pausing before sleep to appreciate the acts of love that the other has shown during the day. Often times, it’s just the simple things that we speak of – a lingering kiss during the bustle of the evening, preparing a meal, enjoying an evening stroll together. We often mention the chores that the other has done, particularly the more unpleasant ones.

Then Thea arrived. In the early days, with our world turned upside down, the lines between day and night blurred. Often, there was no bedtime – every few hours, one of us would pass our daughter into the other’s arms and collapse from sheer exhaustion. Out of our routine and out of rhythm, our nightly ritual was lost.

We’ve since reestablished this daily gesture, though some nights our appreciations are whispered, with eyes closed, spoken quickly as we drift of for a few hours of sleep.

I believe that pausing for a few moments each night to reflect on the ways that John has nurtured me, our family, and our relationship during that day helps to remind me that we are in this together, that this garden is ours to tend together – that we are this garden. The irony is that recounting these tangible acts helps me to focus less on the “work” that goes into building and maintaining our life together and more on the fruits of our labor – the living, evolving entity that is us.It helps me to release any built-up frustration by reminding me that we both contribute to our marriage. And though what we each bring is different, what we offer is equally necessary and valuable.

How do you nurture your relationship amid the day-to-day responsibilities of living? How does your garden grow?

multi-tasking

Reason #125 why you should probably not attempt to call the insurance company while holding your squirming baby:

You will most likely mis-dial the number and reach a phone sex operator instead of your dental benefits provider.

celebration

Last night, I walked into our bedroom to see John sleeping peacefully, Thea curled up on his chest. In that moment, I was aware of the fullness of my heart. I thought back to a year ago, when I was on the verge of giving up hope, when I was having difficulty believing that we would be able to bring a child safely into the world.

And yet, here we are. Each day, these two people cause my heart to stretch to new limits and teach me about the boundless nature of love. They bring light and magic to each moment of my day. My heart, my spirit are filled with gratitude.  The only place I want to be is exactly where I am.

The road to get here has been long, the journey trying.

I can't imagine doing it with anyone but him. I wouldn't want to.

Thank you, John, for sharing your life with me. Thank you for being you.

 

cloth diapering - part deux

Thea after her bath

A few folks have asked for an update on how cloth diapering is going, and for my thoughts on the diaper service we've used. So here goes...

We just finished up our fourth week of using the service, and the diapering went well (I'm using past tense because I just discontinued the service with plans to start using our own cloth diapers). After my last post, I contacted the service and told them about Thea consistently soaking through the diapers. With our next delivery, we exchanged the preemie size covers for smalls, and we also got the next size up in diapers. We continued to use the "girl fold" and the covers. The small diapers were significantly more plush than the preemie/extra-small size, and proved to be much more absorbent.

I was very surprised at how easy using cloth was. I'm sure the ease of it had a lot to do with not having to do the wash myself. Here's how the service works:

-You contact the service to set up an account (minimum of 4 week commitment). They ask you questions about the weight/size of your baby and get you all set up with the proper size diapers.

-There are several ways to get started. You can rent covers from the service, buy covers from the service, or use your own covers. They have offer a starter kit with a diaper pail, snappi clips, cloth-friendly diaper rash salve,  diaper pail deodorizing disk, and  - best of all - an instructional CD showing you how to use the diapers and the service (the fact that they offered the CD was one of my favorite things about the service).

-Thursday is delivery day. You put your bag of soiled diapers out on your front stoop. Sometime after 7 am, the dirty diapers are picked up and fresh ones are dropped off. If you need to switch diaper sizes or covers, you put your clean diapers and covers in a separate bag marked "clean." If no exchange is needed, you mark on your soiled diaper bag (with stickers provided) how many clean diapers you are holding on to.

-Throughout the week, we just tossed the soiled diapers into the diaper pail and bag provided by the service. We never got our diaper pail but a standard 13-gallon trashcan worked just fine. Each day, I sprinkled a bit of baking soda into the pail to help with mildew and odor (but really, there isn't much odor when the baby is only having breastmilk).

-Several times a week, I washed the covers (with Thea's regular wash). I pre-treated the soiled parts with a bit of detergent to help with any staining. After treating and washing them, I hung them on the clothesline to dry.

At first, one of the biggest challenges in using the cloth was that they were so ginormous on Thea's tiny little body. Any clothes that would accommodate the bulk of the diapers completely swallowed the rest of her. The onesies were falling off of her shoulders. Baby clothes are definitely not made for cloth diapering. However, as she continued to grow and get bigger, this became less and less of a problem. Now, at nearly 9 1/2 lbs, it really wasn't even an issue at all.

One of the best things about using cloth was that I found myself using significantly fewer wipes during diaper changes. The cloth really seemed to help contain the mess. As far as wipes go, I continued to use the seventh generation wipes we had been using - I just kept an additional small (covered for protection from the pup) trashcan next to the changing table for this purpose. Once we start using our own cloth diapers, I'll use the bamboo wipes I ordered and just toss them in with the diapers for washing.

And speaking of mess, we generally went through several covers a day. No matter how I folded the pre-folds inside the covers, poo seemed to escape onto the cover. Which isn't such a big deal, really. Looking back, if I were to continue to use the pre-fold and cover method of cloth diapering, I would simply have more covers on hand. All of the "stains" washed out with the pre-treating, and I didn't find this extra step in the laundry to be overwhelming at all.

I will say that if we were going to be out and about, I went back to using our standby, seventh generation disposable diapers. For me, it was just easier.

Now, we're back to using the seventh generation diapers that we had on hand while I try to get into a rhythm that allows for the increased laundering doing our own cloth diapers will require. I already miss her little bubble butt.

Really, I can't say enough positive things about the service. The owners are friendly, extremely professional, and responsive. The CD offered in the starter pack was great. The price is comparable to using the more eco-friendly seventh generation disposables, and just cents more than using conventional disposables. The whole thing was much less complicated than I originally anticipated. If you're in Richmond or Charlottesville and are considering cloth diapering, the service would definitely be worth a try.

So, there you have it.

rhythm

It's been a bit crazy around here for the past couple of weeks. John has described it much more cleverly than I could with my stressed and tired mind. But, let's just say that Thea has been exceptionally fussy. So fussy that it's sometimes all I can do to keep it together until John comes home to give me a break. Thank goodness my mother is close by and has been coming over to give me a little break.

Basically, Thea is fussy from the time we get up in the morning until we go to bed at night. When I say fussy, I mean crying frantically or outright screaming.

Thankfully, she is sleeping well at night -  going 3 to 4 hours between feedings (measured from the start of the feedings). Which means that by the time I finish feeding her and pumping, I can usually get about 2 to 2 1/2 hours of sleep at a time. Which feels like heaven. Really. 

We've worked out a little bit of a nighttime routine. I'll wake up when Thea wakes up. After I feed her, I'll wake John up so he can hold her while I pump. Usually, he can then just hand her off to me when I get back in bed, and I'll snuggle her in next to me for our next stretch of sleep. It's not exactly ideal, but it seems to work for now. For a while, I felt awful waking John up to help me in the middle of the night, but I really need as much rest as I can get to be able to take care of Thea during the day.

Before, it would take me about 1 1/2 to 2 1/2 hours to feed her, settle her down so I could pump, pump, clean up pumping equipment for the next round, and settle her again to sleep.

If you noticed the word "pump" quite a bit in the last sentence, there's no mistake. Honestly, I feel like all I'm doing is nursing Thea and pumping. I've been pumping pretty much every three hours since she was born. Six weeks of pumping every three hours.

We're currently working hard to get Thea away from nursing with a nipple shield (This was introduced to us by the lactation consultant at the hospital, since Thea was not really able to latch on very well at all at first. We've continued using the shield under the supervision of another lactation consultant, who thought it would allow us to continue to try breastfeeding while Thea's suck got a little stronger). It's been a bit of a rough transition for us, and we've been at it for a few weeks. This weekend, she has started to latch on her own much more effectively, but I'm really struggling with the balance of feeding her and pumping, since her nursing on her own has a different rhythm than using the shield. (The lactation consultant has advised that I should continue pumping until she is latching well on her own and then cut out pumping sessions slowly. It's my understanding that this is to protect my milk supply from dwindling).

So, after a rough couple of weeks, I feel like we're making progress. Part of this is that we finally figured out how to get Thea into our Moby wrap. Once she is in, she settles down immediately, and it has made the days so much more manageable. The wrap has worked miracles. Seriously.

Even John has tried it out (I haven't uploaded those photos yet).

I'm actually looking forward to the week ahead. I feel like it will be so much more manageable now that I can get her to settle down. And I'm really looking forward to being able to get a few things done.

(The Moby wrap was actually a gift, but we have no idea who sent it. There was no packing slip and I threw away the packaging too soon. If you were the lovely soul who gifted us with this wrap, please drop me a line to let us know. You have a great deal of gratitude coming your way).

Off to nurse...

a love letter, of sorts

Last Friday, when Thea was four weeks old, I bought this journal. I had been meaning to start a journal to keep track of all of her daily changes and developments, and to have something to give to her so that she could know what her first year was like (and to remind myself).

(I must confess that I did not come up with this idea on my own. I have just started reading Anne Lamott's Operating Instructions, where she journals her son's first year. And when I say I have just started reading it, that's exactly where I am - I've just gotten through the introduction.)

On Saturday afternoon, I sat down and started to write. Having missed her first four weeks, I filled several pages catching up on milestones of her first days. I promised to backtrack and fill in the details of my pregnancy, her birth, and her time in the NICU. I felt I was off to a good start.

Over the next few days, I picked up the journal several times. Just as quickly, I put it down again.

Things had been tough.

I didn't know what to say.

The only things I could think of to write about went something like this:

Dearest Thea,

Today was another tough day. You spent much of the day screaming and crying. And please believe me, you weren't the only one in tears. 

You wake up screaming, no matter day or night or how long it has been since your last meal. I think it must be very jarring for you to move from dreamland to the world of the awake. I wish that there is something I could do to ease this transition for you, but even holding you tight in my arms doesn't seem to help.

We spent most of today trying to work on breastfeeding. This has been very challenging for us. For the past few days, I have wanted to give up. It is almost unbearable for me to know that I am part of the reason you are crying - knowing that giving you a bottle or nursing with a nipple shield would settle you down, but not doing it. It's a fine balance between stretching so we can grow and learn together and stretching so far that we break.

To top it off, you must be going through a growth spurt, because you are insatiable. We will try to nurse for hours and I think surely you must be getting enough, yet you scream for more no matter how hard I try. I've been having to give you a bottle with nearly every feeding. This seems to be the only thing that will settle you down.

You also scream bloody murder during every diaper change, or whenever I need to change your clothes (which is quite often because you are quite the spitter). Some days, I feel like all you do is scream and sleep. It breaks my heart that I can't make things easier for you. Please believe me when I say that I'm trying the best I can.

I love you with all my heart.

love,
Mama

This isn't quite what I imagined I would want to write in this journal. It's certainly not what I originally had in mind for my daughter to read on those journal pages.

But it is exactly where we are.

So maybe this is what she will end up reading - the down and dirty, undisguised truth.

Maybe this is what I really need to remember.

Because while I'd like to simply celebrate each day's triumphs, the truth is that our days are filled with hills and valleys, with frustration as well as joy. After all, we're just getting to know each other.

And as tough as some days are, I cherish the process of us learning together. And I think I'd like to remember these days just as they are; I'd like to remember us just as we are.

accidents happen

This morning, I locked Thea in her nursery.

No, I didn't do it on purpose.

The door doesn't even have a lock.

For the past few days, we've been having a bit of a rough time with the nursing. That in itself is its own saga. Let's just say that this morning, I was feeling pretty exhausted and pretty burned out on attempting to breastfeed.

I had been trying to nurse Thea for over an hour, and it just wasn't working. She was screaming, and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I decided I would just give her a bottle of pumped milk. Because one of the cats and the pup had been taking a special interest in Thea this morning, I shut the door to the nursery while I went to the kitchen to get the bottle ready. I thought this would be easier than trying to hold a screaming, squirming baby and fix a bottle all at the same time.

I was gone for maybe two minutes. I came back and turned the knob to the nursery. The knob turned, but didn't catch. I tried again. No luck. A third time. Still nothing.

Thea is screaming bloody murder inside the nursery.

I panic. I rush to the kitchen to grab my phone.

I dial John. No answer.

I dial my mom. They ask if there is a lock on the door or a small hole in the knob (there isn't). My stepfather advises to call 911 for the fire department.

I dial 911.

The display on my cell phone reads "CALL NOT ALLOWED."

I try again. Same thing.

By this point, I am f-r-e-a-k-i-n-g o-u-t.

John calls back. He says he will call 911 for me and tells me to call our neighbor to see if he can help.

During all of this, I am rushing around, trying to find a flathead screwdriver to unscrew the knob on the door. I find one, and get the outside knob out. I'm ramming the screwdriver in the door, trying to push the other side of the knob out. Finally, it falls out.

The door still doesn't open.

I'm not sure exactly what I did, but after a few more seconds, the door opens.

Thea was fine. In fact, she settled down as soon as she was in my arms.

I call John to tell him that everything is okay.

As soon as we hang up, the fire truck pulls onto our street, sirens blaring. I walked outside with Thea to let them know that everything was okay. They offered to put the doorknob back together for me. I declined.

I spent the better part of the morning in tears feeling like the worst mother ever. Oh, and feeling like an idiot too.

Let's just say that my day didn't get off to the best start.

How was your day?